I can show you why, but I cannot save
You from yourself, and
The folded ways your eyes cave.
Dead ending lies, and flies, and skies pave
Me a brickroad over a No Man's land
I can show you why, but I cannot save.
You thought I was going to beg and crave
Well guess again, because I cannot stand
The folded ways your eyes cave.
I watched madness sweep you up in its wave
That was not expected; Not what you planned?
I can show you why, but I cannot save.
You found such pleasure in the pain you gave
Out by the second, wasn't it grand?
The folded ways your eyes cave.
What began as love forced me to slave
Away at the image of what was at hand
I can show you why, but I cannot save
The folded ways your eyes cave.
Author notes
#1
Written January 1st, 2004
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awesome
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knocking about villanelles. came here .. course.
going to read a few more .. -
not bad
This is not up to your Fox News poem, by any means, but it still is a passable write, and it works on its own level. True, some of the rhymes seem a bit forced, but all in all, not bad. I've written worse villanelles and had them published many times. -
very nicely done horus my friend .... i dismissed any gender association and placed this behind the mask of the mind, a dance with words/a word in search of a word's chance to speak, but the physical forgets ...
" I can show you why, but I cannot save
You from yourself, and
The folded ways your eyes cave." ... like a thought speaking to the keeper of the canopic jar in which it's kept ...
.... much enjoyed this horus cheers m8 -
Wine should be complex. This is brilliantly put together: I like lies and flies and skies, and the end-rhyme of "and" (Eliot did that somewhere). I can relate to it, as it sounds like a tearful rant to a headfuck of a girl who has fucked with the worm's delicate emotions, although it has the air of a lecture: "I know you better than you know yourself" type of thing. I have delivered these sorts of lectures before. The form fits the content: banging away at a failed relationship can be very repetitive and circular, like a villanelle. But not like wine at all, no no.
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Great poem
Interesting and different. This a real nice poem. please return the critic. -
I write villanelles too, so yeah, I know what you mean.
Maybe I will come back and read it later
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Villanelles should be simple
Like wine... Perhaps, you'll
see something else in it later. -
"Dead ending lies, and flies, and skies pave"
One of the only things I didnt like about this poem is how forced "flies" seems to sound
As for the rest of the poem, its ok, rhymes are working, flow is a bit etchy
Could be better coming from you
Thanks for sharing,
MetalConker
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Thanks, I have a million.
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you've caught my interest on writing a villanelle with this poem, something which i haven't tried yet.
this is pretty damn good! -
ah..one of my all time favorites .. good to see it up and about ..get my email? i'm around ..
pen on you poet you ..
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I like the fact that you can do so much with so many styles. This one, a more structured style, can often trip writers up, but not yer ass. You can make just about anything sound good.
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It takes two gripping lines for a Villanelle to work. You did this very nicely. It takes skill to write one of these and your skill is what was shown through. Pen on, poet.
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An excellent poem which is well written... thank you for entering my contest and good luck!!!!
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thats what i ask myself everytime i attempt to write something worth reading...
~~Blu~~ -
If you're not good at freeverse, or form, where does that leave you?
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well..i really dont know what to say about it..im not sure if its a sad poem, or an angry poem..i dont know...im not good with free verse poetry let alone a specific form...so...i did enjoy the read though..very good job on writing this..
~~blu~~ -
I really adore the last line...
"the folded ways your eyes cave," a very good image... nice -
sounds like a long tongue for the ladies pleasure (referring to the eyebrows being licked remark, lol). thank you for entering the contest.
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Well now. LOL...i can definately say i know the feeling of "Fuck the hell off", and of definately wanting to tell someone to kindly do so.
Nyx... -
Well its a good goof off by any standard. You should get pissed off half way through a love poem more often. Not very good for company but bloody good for poetry!
David -
Yes, this was me just goofing off trying to be... Ah, sexy? lol. No, dominant and submissive. It was the last in a series of vilanelles that I wrote for this girl, and decided half way through the vilanelle... vilanelles, and her ridiculous requirements to feel loved. So I was just spinning on that, but thanks.
Edited on Jan 03, 4:36 p.m. because 'edited by AnnD Moderator to remove profanity'. -
Seems like more fun than checkers! Its a good poem. You don't write too many crap one and you write in a variety of styles and subjects that makes for an interesting trip. Which is the way it should be. It is a very good object lesson on how to be a little more three dimensional than many people on this site. This poem is a case in point.
David
Edited on Jan 01, 9:11 p.m. because 'just fix up the typos'. -
I've actually only had anal intercourse once, unless you count the priest.
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nice write
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sounds like a good time. liked the eyebrows bit of bragging.nice and tasty.
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No, thank you. you were right.
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Interesting and Different, yeah hot!
Ummm no hard feelings I think finally should be finale
Unless you meant it that way
Blessings
Susan~~~
P S I definitely meant no offense in the spelling
Edited on Jan 01, 11:05 because 'error~'.
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