Beneath the blazing sun I lay,
On Prickly half dead grass.
Watching clouds pass by,
Wishing it would rain.
I wish the rain would come,
To wash away this mess.
In the summers heat,
It only rots and grows rank.
Cool sweat drips from my brow,
And hot tears fall from my eyes.
I wish the reasons for them,
Would evaporate into the heat.
I'm suffocating while I'm waiting,
Drowning as I stand here still.
The only way I can breathe,
Is to get away some how.
You don't know me.
Sometimes I think I don't even know myself.
So tell me; why do you want me to stay?
[Don't tell me not to go]
Stop begging me to not to leave.
Maybe It wasn't planned,
But I'm finally getting so far away.
I refuse to fade away here with you.
I'm turning grey from the inside out.
The ink is bleeding,
And my colors are fading.
[Nothings real anymore]
I have to find a source of oxygen,
A gas that satisfies my blood.
Maybe were just too high up,
And my lungs are just too weak.
But I can feel them bursting,
Pushing against my ribs.
My heart pounds so painstakingly slow,
Like its got nothing to beat for.
[What's There for It to Beat For Now?]
There's an angel,
From a place I'll never know.
She touched me in the heart...
And for a moment I had wings.
She tries so hard to give me air,
Pressing her soft lips to mine.
But her breathes too pure,
And it only amplifies the pain.
[Not Even Angels Can Cure This Pain]
If only someone could cure me,
From this ill place I'm in.
If only someone could clean us out,
Like an old neglected wound.
Because were festering, Covered with flies, Feverish with delusions.
Decaying more with each polluted breathe we take.
[Come Now]
Wont someone cleanse the self inflicted filth from our souls?
A contest entry
- looking for new favorites by lively banter.
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Im going through a huge change right now.. i just moved i wrote this right before. I guess to kinda give you an idea of what was going on in my life when i wrote this..Tho its about so much more .
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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i like the title to this poem alot it relalyl fits. and i like the content even beter
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This is a beautiful write but it's really sad as well. Thank you for entering and good luck.
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I like the description in here and I can tell that you actually put some effort in here, so thanks for that. I think the first four stanzas are pretty darn good but the rest of the poem goes down hill. You kind of over killed the whole “should I stay or should I go?” idea and the want to have someone cure your pain bit is too emo (for lack of a better word) for me. I personally believe that no one can help us but ourselves… I also felt that the angel bit was a little cliché for me. Personally, I don’t think the bracketed bits helped this poem in anyway. It just repeated the very same idea as the previous stanza, and I think brackets are ugly anyway, but I’m not judging on personal tastes like that. Also I think you should work on all of the –ing words in here. You’ve got way too much on them. The rest of the poem starts to repeat itself; not in words, but in content. The poem would read better if you limited the –ing’s. I think this poem would be so much better and effective if it was a little bit shorter.
You’ve got some punctuation and spelling issues here. There’s very minimal apostrophe usage here. If you are using the possessive or contraction for “blank is” you’ve got to use an apostrophe. You’ve also got the words breathe and breath confused, and somehow is one word.
This was a good poem overall. Thank you for entering. Feel free to revise if you wish and let me know if you do.
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Personally, I am not a fan of the capitalizing the beginning of each line, I see no real need.
Stanza one, the final line and stanza two, the first line are the same thing said different ways - it becomes redundant.
There are some filler words here that can definitely be removed to help the flow a bit.
The piece as a whole tells me everything and shows me nothing. I don't see any real imagery here that would make the piece shine.
Its consistent emotion that works well, but there is nothing that truly strikes me. The foundation is good but I do think it could benefit with some reworking -
"There's an angel,
From a place I'll never know.
She touched me in the heart...
And for a moment I had wings."
loved those lines, you are amazing!!!!!!!!
Great write girl, and good luck =]
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O.o Very powerful use of metaphors. I loved the imagery you put into it as well. Those last stanzas were almost creepy and gross. I felt the emotion in your wording. Good work! I hope to read more from you soon.
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Hmm. You may be interested in making some of the grammar more correct, considering the subject at hand is spoken about very well. It is quite a shame to see something to wonderfully written suffer from such minor error.
However, beyond that, it IS written well, the theme of heat and its effects stands a powerful metaphor for the lines around it, which is really good. It may not have been your initial thought, but I know personally that I tuck little things like that in without thinking about it in many of my own works...
In any case, very good, but needs some minor corrections to grammar.
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