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More than Blue

 

 

 

 

Attracted to silence; correcting the flaws
where will is diminished in futile applause.
The jesters are dancing in tune with decline -
restrictions draw borders when failures combine.

Corrupted perfections set voids in collapse
where muted disguises and masks do not last.
Mirrored imperfections are set in default
as valient virtues surrender to fault.

Deception increases when vision steps back,
collecting remembrance in heartless attack.
Reflection outnumbers exalted intents
and solo self-judging brings sudden descent.

Sheer fragments are fractured; tear soul from the bone
when single conclusions leave us all alone.
Successes then stagger; talent is denied:
the choice is then chosen - to live or to lie.

But that has backfired and left incomplete
when feelings were shattered, repeating defeat.
A prick of the eyelash as wishes are snatched -
succumbed to seclusion, forever attached.

Deceit is secreted as conscience free-falls -
affection rejected, not needed at all.
The mind lives in playback, reliance receedes

and I falter, broken, refusing to breathe.

 

 

 

 

 

 





Author notes

Entry for: Teen Idol 9 - Round 3

I got 3 prompts from Heather:
1.
John Prine - angel from montgomery lyrics

2.
In Blue, We Trust

3.
'Some people feel like they don't deserve love. They walk away quietly into empty spaces, trying to close the gaps of the past.'
- Christopher McCandless

I chose 2 & 3.
I hate hate hate having a hard time to write, just because I can't feel anything.

A contest entry

Now you tell me:

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 32 of 32
  • This is a fantastic poem; well done, thankyou for entering and good luck.

    Maria


  • Rajia
    October 30, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Very well done.

  • SilentMoonlight
    October 15, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This was tastefully written with a nice flow and rythme to it. It had the beat of a song to it so it was really easy to read. No complaints this was really a great poem


  • Azgar
    September 21, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Delicious poem ^__^


  • whispernthedark Greeters member
    September 20, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I truly love this, and I may be missing your point, but I draw from this what I feel almost everyday... I try so hard and feel like I'm doing things right and good, and then the hammer drops and bam! Oh such an illusion to dissipate. Thank you for entering the contest, good luck.


    whisper


  • Freed by Mercy silver member
    August 11, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Great feeling, rhythm and rhyme. Left me with a devastated feeling. Congrats on winning silver!


  • toomysterious
    August 9, 2008
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    Poetry of the finest order, well deserving of the silver. Congratulations.


  • Rakerman1
    August 2, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This is technically flawless. Your word choices were amazing and you conveyed your hopelessness perfectly. I especially loved the fast pace.

    Very well done
    Raker

  • ecrivain01
    July 30, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Reminds me ...

    of a nightmare. Hopefully it's nothing you're experiencing yourself but only a reply to a prompt.

    As to the writing, that appears flawless to me.


  • RomeoPierson
    July 26, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    very well written

    it had the perfect flow...very well


  • Vaquerita
    July 23, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I like short poems that keep things direct...but when they are long and winding I like them to be whispers of dark things, just like this


  • Riamh
    July 23, 2008
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    Deep

    I enjoyed read this...read it several times in fact.

  • piccola silver member
    July 21, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This seems brilliant to me. Your vocabulary is wonderful and the rhyme near perfect. If anyone can find fault with it I don't know who it could be. I am amazingly envious. I would never enter this contest because the judge's rhyme is almost always perfection. I shudder at the thought.


  • ErisLeFae
    June 24, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    wow! the image of the medieval masquerade! and since all are masked one doesnt know friend from foe and judges self and others and the deception... well done


  • Immortalbeauty
    June 22, 2008

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    "Deceit is secreted as conscience free-falls -
    affection rejected, not needed at all."

    you are absolutly amazing...how you put exceptionally strong words that have so much meaning into one sentence and boom, you have a masterpiece with everything I can't say hidden in the meanings.

    amazing, simply amazing...


  • Ethereal One gold member
    June 21, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Excellent expression of emotion. Very sad, but I know many can relate to the message contained in your poem.

    Your rhyming is great!

    Ethereal One


  • shuvi
    June 20, 2008

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    I just cant express in words how beautifully you do your rhymes! They have got to be one of the most lyrical, most expressive, mose original captivating pieces i have ever read, and i m nt just talking AP here, i mean all the poets and poetesses in the world. Maybe its my deep deep affinity to rhyme, but i still am like completely enchanted by your work, great great work chandni. You are exceptionally talented...! Lots of love and cheers, shuvi

    • Never Fall in Love
      June 21, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Aww - thank you
      I already feel much happier reading that this morning [not that I was sad or anything, lol] but definitely an amazing feeling when someone likes my work


  • Tangled Angle
    June 20, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    10

    *sigh* wow, i loved this. my favorite one this round.
    it just worked for me completely & i felt you rose to the challenge the most.


  • trista gold member
    June 20, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    If you had a hard time writing this, it certainly isn't noticeable in how the poem turned out! There's a lot of this I feel I can relate to right now...maybe not the poem as a whole, but many of the individual lines. This is my favorite kind of poetry from you, and an excellent job you've done. I do have a question about one line...
    "But that is backfired and left incomplete"

    I'm wondering about the tenses of "is backfired". To me...it seems like it should be either "has backfired" or "is backfiring" depending on if you want it present or past tense? (Although "backfiring" would mess with your syllable count.)

    Other than that, this reads great to me. Good luck in the contest! (I'm getting kicked off this computer or I'd leave a longer comment. )

    s
    ~J.

    • Never Fall in Love
      June 21, 2008

      Edit | Reply
      Hrm. I atualy start to think of you now when I write rhyme, lol. So I had a feeling you'd somewhat relate.

      It's basically just a reflection of me because this year, I've totally secluded myself. And silence ... I don't know, I think I've learnt to appreciate it even though at times I can't keep quiet. There's many things you learn just by sitting alone somewhere and thinking - and I had loads of that. But the disadvantage is that in your own thinking, you point out so many flaws - most of them in yourself. So much so, as the quote said, you begin to feel that you don't deserve things like love or affection - and that plays a major part in how I look at life ... because I consider myself not part of it, an outsider's look.

      Anyway, my rant aside - you're correct. However, I can't fix it now now now - have to leave ... and if I change that 'is' to 'was' - then other tenses in the poem will have to be changed. I never remember to check my tenses lol

      Thank you


  • XRainbowliciousX
    June 20, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    ok, I have never read a poem that I didn't think something about except this one..at this point from whenever i had an account...I love the flow..it's so brilliant...You did a super fantastic amazing job.


  • DesolatELifE
    June 20, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Oh my gosh, my friend, this is absolutely frikin Amazing!
    I'll criticise it as much as I can for you

    'Corrupted perfections set voids in collapse
    where muted disguises and masks do not last.
    Mirrored imperfections are set in default
    as valient virtues surrender to fault.'

    I think this verse is a little crap compared to the rest of it. The first two lines are just as great as the rest, as is the last line. The third line, I feel, is one syllable too big to flow as wonderfully as the rest.
    Which is annoying, because if I pronounce 'mirrored' differently, the syllable count fits me fine. Interesting, how the different emphasis on a word changes how well the whole poem flows. But yeah, I don't like this verse as much because of that line (although I love the line itself).

    I also think 'Successes then stagger; talent is denied:' flows a little worse than the rest of it in that verse. I have decided, however, that this is because of the use of 'stagger' in the line, and the line staggers a bit as a portrayal of the word =]

    You always give me nice critical comments, so I thought I'd give you one back =p

    Seriously, though; this is reallllllllllly brilliant, and I would read it again if this new t shirt didn't seem to make my back verrrRry itchy!

    • Never Fall in Love
      June 21, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you for the critique

      Now I go to defend myself. lol. You see, I took so much time writing this, I read it every once in a while and so somewhere in my half mind, it was like constantly double-checking.

      I think with that stanza, it's just accent differences. I've always noticed how one of my friends [george] has a problem at times with the flow of my poems - when other people don't. He's british, the rest are american. And I kind of have a fucked up american accent

      With the stagger stanza. I think it flows well - but I can see where it is messed up mainly because of the amount of s sounds. So I'll be looking for alternatives.

      But thanks you soooooooooooo much for the comment

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