condemned to secular desires
- faith has long since gone
disconnected to attachment
emotional causalities of
love's war
beady eyed self doubt
screams "Touch Him! Touch Him!"
trembling hands reach for
validation
eyes shut tight
watching the main attraction
a thin veil of protection,
cannot prevent the penetration
of perversion
Dear Father, forgive me
for I have sinned,
and if I should die before
I wake....
I deserved it, make no mistake.
Author notes
Prompt:
"In a darkened room,
beyond the reach of God's faith,
lies the wounded,
the shattered remains
of love betrayed.
And the innocence
of a child
is bought and sold,
in the name of the damned,
the rage of the angels,
left silent and cold."
-"In A Darkened Room" by Skid Row
Not much to say....my mind took me to a strange place with this prompt.
A contest entry
- 2,000 Point Contest!!! by High Flyer.
2000 points, ended July 11, 14 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Best Prewrites From June 2008 by Amaranthine Lover.
1100 points, ended July 30, 30 entries
Honorable winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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This is a beautiful piece, but I don't care much for the Christian references, which I specifically noted in my rules against.
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hmm, my apology, since it was very broad and not focused on religion, I didn't think it would be an issue, remove if you must =)
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well I can't now because it's just so awesome and well written and stuff!!! Just make sure, you know, to follow the rules from now on. ;-)
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Congratulations, Poet ...
Your write touched my soul ... There is a layeredness in the exit lines ... To die, before spiritual awareness, that is the human side ... The Mercy side is so vast, too vast to contemplate.
Love to you, Joanna.
Myra
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Very deep write. I loved the line "I deserved it, make no mistake." At least some of us can knowingly adopt our wrongs.
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wow! that was powerful!
way to write....that prompt is a powerful poem....
I thought your poem was written smartly and dissected
the soul and flesh well describing each layer involved!
well done!
ears/Seattle
I bet we all chewed on this poem to enjoy!
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Powerful & real!
I read:
condemned to secular desires
- faith has long since gone
At the mercy of actions born of limited and warped beliefs removed from good.
disconnected to attachment
Interesting way of saying it, if you'd said 'disconnected from attachment' it would have read the opposite meaning but YES: 'disconnected', from faith I take it, 'to attachment', meaning now attached to something.
emotional causalities of
love's war
The cause of war, yes still born of love but love misplaced to become 'crime'.
Might have said 'casualties' but you've given it a unique twist... clever!
beady eyed self doubt
screams "Touch Him! Touch Him!" - Order from uncomfortable dictator.
trembling hands reach for ------- Received the order.
validation ------------- Not sure about this 'validation'...
of what? and how does it receive validation in this way? Not necessarily wrong but it doesn't sit clearly to me. Reach for 'preservation' would make more sense to me. ?
eyes shut tight
watching the main attraction --- Oh' so not the victim then.
a thin veil of protection,- Another observer the victim or previous actor?
cannot prevent the penetration
of perversion ------------- Physical abuse.
Dear Father, forgive me
for I have sinned,
and if I should die before
I wake....
I deserved it, make no mistake. --- A declaration made helpfully by someone on behalf of the guilty because they are incapable of coming to it, OR by the guilty themselves.
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These aren't intended as 'corrections' just what I read and a little ambiguity can be really good... did you intend that though?
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I think it a really STRONG and powerful write, also presuming that they are deliberate, I like your way of alluding with some subtleties and what I consider to be ambiguity. The ending really nailed it for me!
Another great write from you!!
Sol
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thank you - yet again, for such a well thought-out comment (it's amazing to me how well you "get" my poetry)....to add some clarifications:
beady eyed self doubt
screams "Touch Him! Touch Him!"
trembling hands reach for
validation
>>> most of the time abusers are someone close to the victim...."validation" meaning "to be the "good girl I have to do this..."<<< ( not sure if my explanation even makes sense outside of my head! haha)
eyes shut tight
watching the main attraction
a thin veil of protection,
cannot prevent the penetration
of perversion
>>> I meant eye lids for "thin veil of protection", even with victims eyes closed, there is no escape. "penetration of perversion" not only physically affected but also mentally<<<
Dear Father, forgive me
for I have sinned,
and if I should die before
I wake....
I deserved it, make no mistake.
>>> this is addressing the issues of victims of abuse blaming themselves and thinking they did something to provoke the abuse or ratationalize it<<< -
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Yes, see what you mean about the 'validation'. I wasn't certain whether the 'child'; was being told to 'touch Him' or was the 'Him' who was to be touched.
Also, could see what you were meaning about the 'eyes shut tight'. It was because of the 'watching the main attraction' which made it a little ambiguous for me for the same reasons above. The child could be seen as being 'the main attraction' or it could be the one who the child was being told to touch.
So for me, that was the ambiguity... being completely clear about who was who and now you've explained it all seems obvious.
Interesting that I took the prayer to be from the perpetrator in regret, rather than the victim. Again, that may be something which could be used as a double meaning, with both being valid.
Sol
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