You are my heart, my soul
the air I breathe, my complete existence
without you, life has no purpose
when life becomes too hard to bear
I go on because your presence is there
to hold you close, smell your essence
it is what I live for, you are perfect
your angelic smile and devilish grin
I couldn't put into words my love for you
for there is no way for me to begin
to express the love, light, and joy
your precious existence has brought me
to see the sun shine in your golden hair
and life dance in your innocent eyes
you are my life, I would be lost
I love you little boy, my sweetheart
my little big man, growing so fast
too quickly, these precious moments pass
at one time you were so small
and because of my weaknesses
I missed it all.
A contest entry
- Guilt (prewrites welcome) by Danna Hobart.
400 points, ended January 18, 16 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
my oldest son lives with his father...You lose so much when you stop caring about life...I miss him everyday
Comments
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I don't think that your piece here is about guilt. It seeps that regret would be a better summation. I think that your love was genuine, however I could not feel what you felt. I would use the emotion itself as my catalyst to write. This kind of felt rehearsed.
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I am sure that your words are sincere, but
You are my heart, my soul
the air I breathe, my complete existence
without you, life has no purpose
These are about the most cliche lines ever written. Just think how many times you have heard these exact same lines used in different poems about different people and things. Many of your other lines are cliche as well.
Cliches are prefabricated phrases that you can use without thinking. By using them, you are letting someone else do half your thinking for you. George Orwell said that "by simply throwing your mind open and letting the ready-made phrases come crowding in. They will construct your sentences for you -- even think your thoughts for you, to a certain extent -- and at need they will perform the important service of partially concealing your meaning even from yourself." -
lol
nice -
That was such a sweet and caring write. I'm sure your son would appreciate it very much. This is the second one of your poems I have come across today and I must say you are one emotional writer, not in the bad way of course! Your words are full of such feeling and substance, and the reader definitely feels everything. I wish my son wouldn't grow up so fast, but alas, I do not have a son. I am 18. Truly shows how you need to pay attention to life or it will just pass you by! Great job!
Sincerely,
ModernXTimes -
They do grow way to fast. I wish my children were still little. I miss their baby ways. The growing up years and the love they give so unconditionally at those ages. Thank you for sharing this with us
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