I remember the nights
so lonely and cold
where the stars gleamed
a darker shade
of pale yellow
and our coffee turned
too cold too fast
as we breathed in
our own ignorances
and portrayed a facade
of lies and gimmicks
amongst the warmth
of the fireplace
when the radio
blared its hits;
we sang right on
not knowing the end
was closer
than the end
of the next song
Author notes
username: transit
theme is deception~
*STAR*
A contest entry
- CONTEST FOR BRILLIANT YOUNG MINDS #3 (20 and under only) by islekine.
750 points, ended July 1, 2008, 10 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
-
BTW....
no such word as ignorances... -
Okay...when you write poetry from the first
person point of view..try not to use "I"....also take out any and all "filler" words you can...I rewrote your poem....using those guidlines...check it out...let me know what you think!
Remembered nights,
so lonely, cold
where stars gleamed
a darker shade
of pale yellow;
our coffee turned
too cold too fast
we breathed in
our own ignorance ,
portrayed a facade
of lies, gimmicks
amongst warmth
of fireplace
Radio blared its hits;
we sang right on
not knowing the end
was closer than
the next song
This is just a quick edit...and see how much smoother it flows? Those are your words and poem...just edited a bit...
Write on!
Hope to see you in my next contest!
-
I really like this...
Trying to judge tonight..if interested I can tell you how to make it even better...
Best wishes in the contest!
Write on!
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