There she sits,
Some fear-wrapped enigma,
All edges and steel and scorn.
With fury-breath,
She erodes my resolve,
And I am worthless at her feet.
(She smiles, laughs, and praises me.
I am golden-dream hair and innocent sky-eyes,
And she will keep her one thousand promises.)
She is small,
But, oh how she can tower
As eye-words deafen my ears.
Anger burns me,
And with lip-tumbled hate,
She breaks me, hope by futile hope.
(She smiles, laughs, and praises me.
I am easy-open trust and simple love-thirst,
And she will protect me from the darkest night.)
She knows this:
I am purely selfish,
Though I cared only for her.
She is hate-blind
And spits her acid love;
The lie is almost beautiful.
She smiles, laughs, and praises me.
I am tear-scarred happiness and guarded heart-need,
And she follows me, but I cannot believe.
Author notes
Ralph Waldo Emerson:
Truth is beautiful, without doubt; but so are lies.
Sorry it's a little long. : /
A contest entry
- Lying and Truth by BellaD.
450 points, ended June 30, 2008, 10 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Big points...just write what you want by Canis Lupus.
4500 points, ended July 30, 2008, 84 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
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This was very well done. I really enjoyed it and I like how it kinda told a story within a story. Wonderful write Thank you for sharing
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Wow!
This is well written, taut, powerful...almost suspensful (It was rather like a Hitchcock movie if that makes any sense to you). Love your original phrasing and word choices...fury breath, eye-words.
Well done and thank you for entering my contest. -
didn't seem long to me.
i love the contrasting perspective of alternating stanzas. the hyphened words were probably my favorite part, very creative combinations that convey a lot, very effective.
"simple love-thirst"
"guarded heart-need"
"lip-tumbled hate"
also loved
"All edges and steel and scorn" and
"spits her acid love."
the final line wraps this up well and and the second to last stanza is striking and flawless.
i think some of this was perhaps a little to familiar and overused, particularly
"With razor-glares,
She slices my resolve"
feel like i've seen this comparison to a knife or less commonly a razor, "slicing," all too often.
"She is small,
But, oh how she can tower"
also seemed a little weak in comparison to the rest of the poem.
but that's largely because this poem is wonderfully done overall.
on revisions:
much improved. both "fury-breathed" and "erode my confidence" are both much stronger, in my opinion. aren't automatically connected as a unified image in my mind, since "fury-breathed" makes me think of fire, which doesn't erode, but in fact it is "breath" - wind - which does. excellent.
i don't think the poem will really suffer if you leave the "tower" part as is.
one last suggestion i meant to make before, in the last stanza, what do you think of "tear-scalded" instead of "tear-scarred" (?) just a thought. -
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Thank you so much for the honest critique, and the many compliments. I was also a little iffy about using the razor comparison, so I've changed it to my second idea. Would you be willing to take another look?
As for the "She is small..." lines, I agree they are weaker than the rest. I may or may not change them, because they are an honest expression of what it felt like to be afraid of a woman one-third my size. But I'll consider something different and see what I can do about it.
Thank you again, so much, for your stellar comment. : )
- Solaris
Revisions:
Good, I'm glad you like the second idea.
"tear-scalded"...Hm. I'm not sure how I feel about that. It's definitely an interesting idea, but I'm not sure if "happiness scarred by tears" has quite the same meaning as "happiness scalded by tears", whereas the first is definitely more representative of my emotions. Although "tear-scalded" does add a bit more intensity to it, and scars are sometimes a bit overused...
I'll have to think about it some. Thank you for the great idea. : )
Edit:
Oh. I know why "tear-scalded" sounded funny to me. The matching lines of all the stanzas have the same syllables in them, and "tear-scalded" would throw off my count. (Like the first lines of all the left stanzas have the same syllables, the seconds lines of all the left stanzas have the same syllables, the second lines of all the right stanzas have the same syllables, etc...)
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