(in)security blanket

jilted jade-green
ratty patchwork with come stains
stumbling alcohol breath
fists like cheap cheating sex

a puzzle of holes in drywall and plaster
my legacy of weakness and violence

reminiscent of scatterd old feelings
sometimes-feelings
applied to you

painted-over holes in walls match
cracks in heart

moldy rotten leftovers and
thoughts fucked-up tainted like incest
thinking of-
chest heaving tight-
your former lovers
how they fucked you
pulling hair and lip-biting
how you looked at them
words exchanged meant for us
what you haven't said to me
(what more is there to say?)

I dunno
but I'm not saying "I don't care"

catcher in rye
saving
then hurting
then setting free
them
and me

not you
I'll tie you down

turning anger on myself
smashing decade-old jealous insecurities and
wasted untruths for others like
"I love you"

lies bred in fear of,
well...
supposed lack of your perfect
(for me)
existence

you are the instrument I never learned to play until today

drunk on betrayal
I've hit
been hit

forward-back-circles
I stopped running in them the second
your breathed my name

so I'm scared
-less a little each day-
of your future absence
a paper conclusion you've ripped and eaten
like the packet of conditioner you found in the mailbox years ago

my silent thank you
is a new daily sensation:
(literal-not metaphoric)
dried tears at the corners
of my eyes