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Aftermath

As my pulse regains its pace
I grow conscious of my breath
Coming and going - as if in panic.

My senses re-awaken
Or, should I say: re-adjust
To the reality around me

Dust enters my lungs
Immerses itself in my hair
Stiff with dry sweat
The scent of our body nectars,
So sweet just a while back
Pungent now.
I taste of you.
Your mouth is still within mine.
And you are collapsed,
Heaving, on the edge of the bed.

Should I lift my head up,
Or bring my feet down?
Disgust overcomes me

Whereas, but a moment ago,
The only reality was us, you.



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Comments

  • Gupse
    July 18, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Wow!
    Thank you for taking your time on this.
    I suppose I could summarise the main "missing something" in the fact that I was actually shy about writing this- I held back.


    I said "nectar" because I was not trying to sound poetic or romantic at all. It is the only way I could disguise and describe the organic, sticky, transparent, pungent, animal yet human fluids we secrete in even greater amounts than usual during such situations.
    Think of tropical plants, the jungle: fertile, abundant, colourful, marvellous, some so fragrant that you'd be dizzy, others so pungent you'd find yourself wondering whether you are looking at plant-flesh or animal-flesh.

    In short, a euphemism rather than an attempt at romance.

    As for capitalisation, it comes to me by default, though, at times, if I feel a verse is completing a previous one, I do not capitalise it.

    I shall take note of your idea of using simple, spoken language, though I like lush language sometimes.
    Depends on my mood.

    Thank you for your criticism.

    Next time, I shall let go, and be brave.


  • AJ Morelli gold member
    July 3, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Think you are on to something here, a near miss I would say...

    I like the theme and the narrative and there are some really nice lines and some very well chosen images, but I feel the language and voice is a bit off.

    The lines:

    "The scent of our body nectars,
    So sweet just a while back
    Pungent now."

    are a good example of what I am talking about. How many times in the last year have you used the phrase "body nectars" in conversation, to me it seems an overly romantic phrase used only by someone who is trying to "sound poetic", unnatural by contemporary standards...

    the other issue is more subtle, and that is the efficiency of the narrative. Even though not a long piece I think this can be tightened in the storytelling with some "fine tuning", as it were...

    an example (rough as it may be), Stanza 3 saying the same thing or more with some paring down:

    "Dust enters my lungs,
    hair stiff with dried sweat.
    The scent of your body
    is pungent now,
    your tongue still in my mouth
    and you collapsed, heaving
    on the edge of the bed."

    (this is the way I would handle it or something like that, sorry for the quick edit just trying to show you what I meant)

    Make it feel a little more contemporary and less formal, especially for subject matter as personal as this, it raises the impact...

    I also would remove the caps to start each sentence for the same purpose (here's a good link about that)

    http://www.public.asu.edu/~aarios/resourcebank/capitalizing/

    I only go into such detail because I think you're on to something here and it's worth being worked on.


    thanks for entering this here, hope any of my comments were helpful


    al