as we breathed in blue
and danced in watery-grey tears
we sank into pale yellow dreams
as our feet dangled in mid-air.
voices whispered in our heads
and words swam between our ears
as we painted every lie with a smile.
between us, the air shivered
and sank into our schoolgirl giggles
drowning us in ember flames
that lapped against our porcelain facades.
we might as well replace ourselves
with portraits and audio tapes.
Author notes
-
THEME:
the times when I talk with people (family, friends) and the conversations we have had.
USERNAME:
checkmate
* star *
A contest entry
- CONTEST FOR BRILLIANT YOUNG MINDS #3 (20 and under only) by islekine.
750 points, ended July 1, 2008, 10 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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Okay...here you go...
As I said, your words and imagery are beautiful..
All I did was edit it...avoid using "filler" words...and is usually a word which breaks the flow...
check this out...alll your words...your thoughts...
just edited slightly...and punctuated to make it flow...let me know what you think...
Write on...
We breathed blue,
danced in watery-gray tears,
sank into pale yellow dreams,
as our feet dangled in mid-air.
Voices whispered in our heads,
words swam, between our ears.
We painted every lie with a smile.
Between us, air shivered,
sank into schoolgirl giggles,
drowning us in ember flames,
lapping against our porcelain facades.
-
Nice imagery...
I can give you a more in depth critique after I judge..
if you wish..
Best wishes in the contest!
Write on!
-
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thank you for your kind comment
please do give me a crtiqie- I'm not entirely satisfied with this at all.
smile always,
checkmate.
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Capitviating. Absolutely captivating. You fit so much into so few lines...told a story, painted a picture and took the reader on a brief journey which ended with a sense of uncomfortable familiarity. Brilliant use of imagery and metaphor. Lots of luck in the contest!
Ellie
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omgosh!
I LOEV THIS SO MUCH!
Your metaphors just blew me away (i know i say that too often, but this really did) girl, where do you come up with this? this was simple beautifuuuuuul!
Your last stanza was what struck me the most! it was perfect! firl, i'm left speechless... i seriously don't know what to say... other than I LOVE THIS PIECE!
i love you tons... good luck in this contest (doubt u need it coz i know you're so gonna get something massive) did i mention... I LOVE THIS POEM? love it love it love it!
~RANJI
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perfect (:
"as we painted every lie with a smile"
you write such beautiful poetry. i'm too impressed (:
i'm going off to Batam, so i won't be online for a while ): but watch Moving Mountains by Usher on Youtube i love the song. find the lyrics and listen to the song (:
i'm gonna miss ya, so best of luck in everything you do and most of all this contest~ you'll do great with this write.
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wow!
I love yourwit and how much truth this poem held. sometimes, conversations are just that and maybe are fuelled by a few lies. The description is amazing and the metaphors are brilliant!
"we might as well replace ourselves
with portraits and audio tapes."
loved these line though, this is my fault, I am not sure about the sugificance of the udio tapes. care to explian? Good luck but I am sure you do not need any of it. you have pure talent. 
gryffindor lol 
loveees,
transit~
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"as we painted every lie with a smile"
&&
"we might as well replace ourselves
with portraits and audio tapes."
this was dripping with gorgeous.
i wish it was longer!
good luck in the contest.<33
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oh darling!
sooooo gorgeous!
"as we breathed in blue
and danced in watery-grey tears
we sank into pale yellow dreams
as our feet dangled in mid-air"
-
i love this poem. the imagery was amazing!
drowning us in ember flames
that lapped against our porcelain facades.
this was the best part of the poem. i am thinking that this part is along the lines of the whole lying part, and how it actually ends up hurting us. but i may be wrong. that is just my guess. lol. but this is really good. keep up the amazing work!
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