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Clandestine Gaps

 

   Sown up autumn making escape
   forms a certain silent nakedness.
   Brittle foliage falls as being is bared
   in hidden exposure to the scenery
   somewhere parallel to apathy

 

   Conceited vision cast down

   on less perfect poise unbecoming

   cycles former simplicity to oblivion,

   stemming self esteem as contemptible

   forcing rise exceeding true worth

 

   Leaves plead symbolic for outer worlds
   to end with waves purpose understands

   yet sealed static, comprehension fails faulty

 

 

 

 

 

Author notes

Prompt pic, 40-75 words
Artist credit:
http://ariokh.deviantart.com/art/Dried-Leaves-and-Crude-Oil-2131597


(This is a collab with my AP Brother Cerulean Sunrise... we tried to show how some people see themselves as more worthy than others, yet inside they are dry, brittle beings... but often don't learn the lesson)

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Comments

1 - 21 of 21

  • CinfullyDelicious
    July 21

    Edit | Reply
    This is a brilliant effort on both your parts..and very deserving of the bronze congrat's



    Cind


  • phantasyintrigue-x silver member
    June 28

    Edit | Reply
    "Brittle foliage falls as being is bared
    in hidden exposure to the scenery
    somewhere parallel to apathy"
    Whoa...you 2 are great collaborators...amazing 3 lines here!! Love the words 'foliage' and 'parallel' (except when used in a mathematical context...ew).

    So much alliteration packed...Every line feels seamless and awesome.

    "stemming self esteem as contemptible"
    A hyphen (-) in between 'self' and 'esteem'? One actually can have enough self-esteem...but that's not most people's problems. Usually, a lack of it. :/ Good line.

    "yet sealed static, comprehension fails faulty"
    You could have said 'misunderstandings between people', but of course, you give us a line like this instead! (:


  • Valley Girl gold member
    June 27

    Edit | Reply
    Interesting write you two! Very deep! Best of luck in your contest. ♥


  • SilverStrandedEcho
    June 26

    Edit | Reply
    What powerful imagery couring within each line. I would not have known this was indeed a 'collaboration', as it has a seamless flow about it. A very unique image to inspire, and the two of you have allowed it to come alive in words. Great penning!


  • Sailor Ptolema gold member
    June 20
    Edit | Reply
    nice!
    you two did an amazing job on the piece for the photo!!!
    these are my fav lines:
    " Brittle foliage falls as being is bared
    in hidden exposure to the scenery
    somewhere parallel to apathy>full of powerful messages!
    well done
    and best of luck in the contest!!!


  • Weltt gold member
    June 20

    Edit | Reply
    As I was reading this I thought to myself, "There seems to be a bit of Mark in this" then I read your notes and it all made sense Anyway, this was wonderful and I thought your message came across nicely. Wonderful flow and tight diction. this was fabulous. Well done to the both of you!


  • The Unknown Poet1
    June 20

    Edit | Reply
    yup yup this is well written in a unique style and manner. You ywo should team up in that collabe contest! Wonderful use of poetic devices and images to relay the baton of meaning you wished to convey. Nicely written for sure for sure


  • PerfectImperfection
    June 20

    Edit | Reply
    Awesome write you two!!!! I can see both of you in there and I really like that. Such a well described piece of imagery and powerful depth. Excellent piece


  • mysticstorm gold member
    June 20

    Edit | Reply
    Amazing work between the two of you...such wonderful depth and meaning...very thought provoking work...very impressive...well done and best to you!
    Love,
    sis


  • Lil-Bit Crazy silver member
    June 19

    Edit | Reply
    i liek this one too... your such an awesome poet....! i just love reading all you write.... thanks for sharing this... good luck in contest!!!!!!!!

    • kiwigirljacks gold member
      June 19
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks hun.. this is more Mark's lead than mine, but it was a pleasure doing this collab


  • jcat gold member
    June 19

    Edit | Reply
    Hahahhahahahahaaa......When I read this all I could think of was "damn this sounds like Mark" hahahaha....And sure enough it was him I could hear through out this piece!! It was a beautifully done collab and the message came across loud and clear! Very well done and best wishes...


  • faderman1959 silver member
    June 19

    Edit | Reply
    Wonderful collaberation here! Such a deep and thought provoking poem! I am truly impressed with this!


  • LadyDementia gold member
    June 19

    Edit | Reply
    Wow you have both done an excellent job with this. Wonderful imagery and goes so well with the pic. Good luck to you both

  • x-Black-Butterfly-x silver member
    June 19

    Edit | Reply
    you two have written amazing.the vocab is entwined perfectly and it really expresses the picture with so much more meaninf and life. I absolutly adore the way you two have worked together. well done auntie and bro (wierd huh ) best of luck in the contest

  • Lucy. gold member
    June 19

    Edit | Reply
    Wow, great vocabulary! And creative take on the pic, I wouldn't have known what to do with that! Well done both of you.


  • poppa silver member
    June 19

    Edit | Reply
    Wonderful write....so true, so many have over inflated opinions of themselves, though usually to mask their fears......great stuff you two..


  • Cerulean gold member
    June 19
    Edit | Reply
    *peeks over your shoulder as you write*

    hehe

  • perfectsunset
    June 19
    Edit | Reply

    Best of luck sis!

    http://ariokh.deviantart.com/art/Dried-Leaves-and-Crude-Oil-2131597
1 - 21 of 21