Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
Read Contests Groups Learn Forums Store Help
 

shallow grave

 

 

 

 

 
Here you are uncovered
 
Waiting with eyes open
Empty, ready to embrace these bones,
To swallow them with your other
Mouth, the greedy one, the secret
One that seems toothless
Despite the barbs.
 
There I am buried
 
Under such shallow soil-
It consumes Him
With a grave's capacity
To fill with dirt,
Until deep, where I am lain,
You strip away the shape
Of meat, the substance.
 
We become grave-robbers
 
As we dig each other up
Each night. There is nothing smooth
In quickening this way,
By this harried descent into you-

Held closer,
Almost unified before I shatter,
Before the exorcism completes,
Before we notice
How this hole lacks a depth

For me to crawl far enough
into you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Author notes

Edits: 2

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think (Critical Honesty Appreciated)

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression? Line numbers
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?) (Line numbers)

Comments

1 - 14 of 14

  • AJ Morelli gold member
    July 9

    Edit | Reply
    boy this is filled with so much good stuff, especially

    "We become grave-robbers

    As we dig each other up
    Each night. There is nothing smooth
    In quickening this way,
    By this harried descent into you-"

    very provocative and original...


    the close finishes this nicely, no crit, this is good

    thanks for entering it here Kate


    al

  • A depth of imagery here that probes the mind of the reader and forces deep conjecture.

  • Ravensdark
    July 1

    Edit | Reply
    Darkness seeps from the imagery. Quite unique and raw. It really makes the reader feel the emotions, makes one think. This is a great write and an interesting thoughful read....great work

  • The imagery here is quite unique, and completely captivating. Such a brilliant depth within the recesses of thought, allowing the reader to (hopefully) step outside themselves, and breathe it in. I really enjoyed this - truly poignant piece.


  • Grunts Girl
    June 22

    Edit | Reply
    your first thick stanza contains such vividness
    many places I go in this within myself.. mostly of unacceptance and argue and then to just sit in my own filth and have to accept it... and then to look down and see how pretty my nails are painted and start to find the beauty within myself...
    just where i went though

  • full of such beauty


  • Faithbound gold member
    June 20

    Edit | Reply
    This I love. The ending was perfect. The whole piece is perfect. Good stuff just as I've come to expect from you.


  • Suzanne Dia gold member
    June 19

    Edit | Reply


    I'm not really certain how I feel about this in this contest. I like it, the writing is excellent, but I think the voice and theme may be better suited for another prompt.

    Dysphoria... I can only imagine how confusing that must be.

    I get confused, you know? But physical confusion and duality is not something that I have on my plate of worries.

    You are strong to make the choice that you have, and I am always happy to hear of your progress, this speaks of it as well, even if there is a gritty edge to the feel of it..

    I like the idea of a love affair with self, getting to know yourself.. the physical aspect of your life bringing a new relationship for you. really a fresh take on this idea... just not certain how 'dirty' it felt to me. You know?




  • ArtFullyMe gold member
    June 19

    Edit | Reply

    Oh
    yes...

    those last lines speak volumes....
    not that the rest doesn't of course,

    but .. lol

    oh I'm shutting up now



  • Rowan gold member
    June 19

    Edit | Reply
    Very dark. I like how you've taken the prompt; dirty and metaphorically paired it up with un-earthing. And yes, the 'Him' in italics is necessary. Great work hon.


  • Meroza gold member
    June 19

    Edit | Reply
    Speachless. This piece is amazing! The perfect flow in the words, the meaning behind it, the words. Fantastic

  • apples fell gold member
    June 19

    Edit | Reply

    Stunned. Will have to return if I can remember to leave a better comment. This proves to me once again the type of poet you are. Didn't much care for the "him" in italics or the "y" in brackets, but if that's the most I can think of critically than I'm fucking worthless.

    Bookmarked.

    ;


    • EvilKate gold member
      June 19

      Edit | Reply
      The brackets were only there to let me see both ideas on the page, before choosing one. The italics are intended and quite necessary though.

      • apples fell gold member
        June 19
        Edit | Reply

        Oh ok. Well with the brackets out of the way now, no more problems here. And the italics was just mentioned since I felt it strange only used once, but I'm weird like that, so it's not you. Glad you enjoyed my comment. Though it was rather all love and no, suggestions. Sorry about that, truly. Sometimes I just like something and that is all that needs to be said.

        ;
1 - 14 of 14