as the blood
runs off my hand
spitter
splatering
all on the floor
i sit there thinking
to myself
of the thing
i just now did
i see my self
in the mirror
my veins out
and ready to open
i stand there looking at myself
thinking of how to go
in the tub
or on the floor
that is when i stripped
i got in the tub
and counted to three
as the razor
so sharp
did cut me
and without a harp
i did it again
as the water
turned a sea of red
within the tub
did i lie
sitting thinking
when i'll die
then it came
a little rush
in my head
and i turned to mush
i laid there dripping
my floors turned red
and in my tub i wore
a large red coat
and a few forever scars...
A contest entry
- Pain poems, by Christina-is-crazy.
300 points, ended June 18, 2008, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
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Unfortunatley, I can relate to this poem very well. Ugh I shutter just thinking of it....anyway onto a writting review.
within the tub
did i lie
sitting thinking
when i'll die
I don't really think the sitting thinking thing, it dosnt make much sense with the next line to me. Maybe you could use sitting wondering instead?
also "a large red coat" kind of stands out in an akward way compared to your other wording, I would suggest a large coat of red.
I guess it also kind of bugs me how short the lines are, it seems to me like most of them could go together to form one like
"as the blood runs off my hand"
or
i see my self in the mirror
my veins out and ready to open
Gosh sorry, I guess im really in a critical mood tonight, it really was good though! A lot of emotion shown through!
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Wow great poei really like it, i love reading poem like this becasue i can relate to them.
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this is the first time if you can't tell that i wrote a poem like this...and thank you for the comment...ADAM
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