I can still hear his voice chewing me up & spitting me back out whole and somehow, he stayed the most beautiful thing in my world for so long.
his fingertips, circling my timid flesh
as the questions remain unanswered in my mind--
am I merely another love♥death?
text messages of some 'sorry I made you cry'
and some sinister lullaby plays in the back of my mind,
as his mouth wipes away the tears I've cried with a negligent smudge.
that moment, in his bedroom as the tears littered his deceitful eyes
& hatred nearly roared inside my head and for those kids I cried and yet
upon the walls of my heart some sympathetic insect, crawling into my soul -
somehow he still seemed to have all of the control as I stroked his hair -
soothing the sorrowed sobs of someone who never failed to finish me off,
with some far fetched falsehood he dreamed up last night in bed;;
though I still held his lips against mine and though my body shook betrayal,
his hands trailed between us and his body weight pressed me down
& the rest of the night was his, not mine.
I would've left, if the death threats & suicide promise hadn't have been so convincing--
and the embers of madness littered his eyes as his fist thundered against the wall
leaving a giant crack where my head could've been, so I just sighed and played along, as I feared leaving him alone like this.
those mornings, when a cup of tea would be brought to me in bed
& his lips would capture me completely and his fingers stroked my fearful face,
knowing that somehow yesterday wasn't the end of his sordid ways.
but what is a girlfriends tears in the spaces between the matress and the heavens,
when dried whimpers woefully wrought my soul, it was a simple case of 'at least I never hit you' and somehow, it was a thankful fate.
I still wonder how his words weakened me & how I never said no,
because somehow, fear was enough to freeze me in his bedroom long enough to get him what he wanted.
I'm so glad now that life is taking on a better stance -
at least this time the guys who are using me don't resort to violence & illegal activities
and rape and forced entry aren't their signature styles.
I'm learning to hate you & it's one of the best things I've ever done.
Silver trophy winner
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