unrocked cradles
unsung songs
how could i still go on ?
no little footsteps
no crys in the night
how would you feel with out this delight ?
no tears to wipe from little eyes
no hugs nor kisses or cute suprizes
no bedtimes stories will i tell
i might as well be in hell
how can i fail ?
how can this be?
no babies to rock to sleep
no little clothes
no little toys
no little girls or little boys
my arms ache for something to hold
on longs nights they grow cold
my life i would lay down
just to hear their little sounds
how i want them how much i cry
every time i get passed by
A contest entry
- What would you do or say...how would you act if you was unable to have a child. by dragontuba.
500 points, ended July 5, 2008, 11 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - big bang prewrites only contest by serenity silvermoon.
900 points, ended January 5, 124 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - I Love You And Goodbye by RawrSmileBabyPlz.
400 points, ended April 22, 143 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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This is so sad and evocative. You really describe the sense of loss and longing well with listing and repetition, it works very well.It's a touching write which makes presenting a critique hard but.. there are a few typos you may want to address.The use of first person pronoun should be in the upper case as you undoubtedly know - cries not crys - on longs night they grow old? long nights?? Also on a really nitpicky level, upper case follows ?
Hate to sound so grammar nazi but you may find with reworking elements such as punctuation it may help the flow of this. Hope you don't find my comments too much - but overall I really liked this. Thanks for sharing and congratulations on your trophy with it. -
Lovely expression of that deep longing for a baby.
I loved the line:
'my arms ache for something to hold '
This is a powerful wording of that physical 'emptiness' you feel in your arms, perhaps because it is the center of your embrace. Magic
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Wow....beautifully sad, rich with emotion and incredibly heart wrenching....
This touched me deeply.
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Sometimes, I wonder if this is how my mother feels now. I just feel so horrible, that she had to get a dissapointment, and raise me. Her only child. This was such a touching poem, and if I wasn't so... pretty much heartless sometimes, I would cry. Good luck in the contest, you deserve to get a trophy.
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listen doll i am truly sorry you feel this way and i just like telling if you ever need a mother figure to talk to im here for you ok hun
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Yea, I feel that way a lot. Congrats on the trophy, as I said, you deserve a trophy. Thanks, keep on lovin.
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I hear your every word
I have lived through it all my life and have grown to be the gaurdean of all children about me .My friends share their moments with me and their births but I know its a hollowness that never goes away .But the bible says for all women unable to bare child will be with child in heaven . You see we are here to care for the children forgotten and to wait till the day God takes us home for we will not be forgotten
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tHIS is amazing....a great write about unable to have children....you speak for those whose voices are not heard and the sorrows of many....I love it...keep writing... your pieces are great and wonderful to the readers eyes.
how i want them how much i cry
every time i get passed by
This pieces speaks to me and the emotion is there..
YOUR JUDE
good luck in the contest
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