Anti-Obsequiousness

Refund for the nothing I gave for existence.

I live in one of the most beautiful pieces of this world,
in one of the half million dollar homes which abound,
on the Sunshine Coast...
just a short walk to the ocean.
Under a mountain.
and when it rains heavily there is a waterfall for awhile,
falling down politely.
This is not my only property.

I have a beautiful compassionate wife who loves me dearly,
an intelligent compassionate Australian beauty,
this lovely little girl who I fathered I find myself falling more profoundly in love with every day.
She is in my life too.

I even got an arrogant 18 year old,
which I love as my bro, and who is potentially close to genius,
but all caught up in his id.
A brilliant and sensitive kid.
All sucking off to the nothing.

I work in a rewarding job that pays me well for my knowledge and experience,
I drive a turbo charged Sonic Silver Skyline wagon.
I have a motorcycle.
I have a mountain bike worth over 2 grand,
I have a shitty ten speed someone gave me.
I have a Malibu-sized 9'2" surf board,
and a body suit which does not hide my bearish beerbelly.
I have five computers to maintain me.
Five switches two modems and a computer based router to maintain,
my information flow into the ethernet.
I am not ashamed.
I'm not doing much more with it than submitting poetry.

I know can do pretty much anything.
I'm not restricted by the low self esteemed delusions anymore.

People often refer to me as laid back.

Yet I am deeply unhappy.
I smoke, and I can't quit.
I've tried absolutely everything,
patches, gum, smokeless smokes, champix(chantrix (Us)), zyban,
just wanting it almost badly enough.

I know I could die from this shit.
But it seems I've just got to have it...
no matter what the consequences.

I did alot of drugs in America.
I snorted cocaine to get me off of crystal metamphetamine.
And it worked.
I did acid and shrooms and smoked alot of the best pot in Maine,
and mostly enjoyed it.
Who said self medication has no place in modern society,
Who didn't work for the AMA?

Sometimes I need that 12 hour burn to place my life in order though,
and that's no longer available to me.
Unless I wish to mainstream.
The needle although I am not against it,
is not an option for me.

Directly injecting whatever whatever...

Good speed is simply not available on this beautiful coast.

Is that the source of my disdain?

I can't chase that beautiful but empty magical dragon.

Am I just some feeming addict floating uselessly on the ocean?

Should I follow the deeper flow into my veins?

Am I unhappy or am I insane?

Is there even a name for my malcontent me?
Do I need more B-12, more vitamine C?
Do I need to work myself so hard...
push myself so far,
tie myself up in bandages of shame,
until I become simply calcitrant?

I don't intuitively think so.

I have nothing to bring to my table,
All the panaceas are stupid, trite, boring, naieve.

It's going to take a strong catharsis for me to believe,
I am no longer in red-neck America,
suffering for my thoughts,
fighting for my soul,
and dying...and dying completely.