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Our World

feel the sea beneath your feet
this voyage is our special treat
we'll sail to a whole new land
and leave our mark across the sand

we'll carve our names into the stone
and walk through forests still unknown
with birds that sing nature's song
i'll be with you, where i belong

soon we'll travel somewhere new
in colors of a different hue
with trees that talk in whispered tones
they'll read to you this sacred poem

the seasons don't know when to change
one day it snows the next comes rain
when i'm with you, we both stop time
this world is only yours and mine

sometimes we don't need to breathe
we'll swim beneath the open seas
we'll wander all the empty streets

with just the sound of our heart beats

 

you are all of my temptations

mere daydreams hold sensations

our journey is much over due

let's go, so i can just be held by you

magic is trapped deep in this world

i'll find it for you, if i can be your girl

Author notes

written for Jamal. <3

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 5 of 5

  • a humble servant
    October 24, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    sweet that was some awesome poem. I gte the feeling that you may like someone.......lol....

    I have only one suggestion, for the lines:

    " with trees that talk in whispered tones
    they'll read to you this sacred poem "

    To make it flow better, i might choose the word "tomes" to substitute for poems. It isn't a perfect rhyme, but it flows a bit better. And given that you talk about sailing away and magic you can probably get away with calling your poem a tome.

    Have a fantastic day, thanks for a good read, and i've already linked your poem to a few of my friends!

    Much love
    Mat


  • spirit rising
    October 24, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    i think this poem is beautiful and vivid, i also strongly agree with the very constructive comment from DAZED N LIFE. x


  • Dazed N Life
    October 23, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    third stanza last line... I think the poem seems "sacred" not "brand new"

    "the seasons don't know when to change
    one day it snows the next comes rain"------------
    "the seasons arent sure of when to change
    one day it snows the next it rains

    "the" world should probably be "this" world

    "other times, we'll wander all the empty streets" is too long for the stanza... try cutting out "all the"... but after that its still too long... think on this line a while.

    "mere daydreams hold sensations" should probably be "mere daydreams THAT hold sensations" ***flows better that way***

    "let's go, so i can just be held by you" needs a two syllable word for flow... rhythm is too broken

    "magic is trapped deep in this world"--------------
    :magic is trapped within this world"'

    consider breaking the last line into two for impact.
    and instead of "if i can" try "let me be"

    All of these are my opinion... accept them or not... your choice, but please rip one of my poems up too. THANKS!






  • TabbyCat
    September 19, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    "You are all my temptations."

    what a powerful line!!!


  • Disturbed Prodigy
    June 18, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    whoa a poem that just shines like the sun setting on the blue yonder, this is a golden poem, keep it flowing

1 - 5 of 5