You know that I am leaving.
I'm sure you're going to miss me.
I wish that I could miss you.
But you're never what I'm meant to be.
The voices of aggression.
The heavy arms of reality.
I bear the weight of nothing.
My insides are dead and gone.
How long does this wait?
How long must I wait?
I wish to move on.
But I only stay.
The fires now burns hard.
When else have I yearned for home?
And still the whining goes on.
You've got to know when to hum.
I had thoughts of just being.
But that's never going come around.
Finally you love me.
But nosebleeds keep me off the ground.
How long does this wait?
How long must I wait?
I wish to move on.
But I only stay.
Forever to berate me.
How about you build me up?
A new method to sedate me.
I guess love is just that tough.
How long does this wait?
How long must I wait?
I wish to move on.
I should just find a place to stay...
Defender of the wayside.
Keeping up with myself and the
Dreams of many people.
Except I'm done with keeping you in one part.
Don't try to seem to like it.
I don't even think you're alive to talk about it.
You feel so distant.
I don't think I'll be here for too long.
That will do.
For you.
That will do.
Can't you see the limit?
The eyelash set a year ago.
Control yourself for virtue.
Don't ever let me dance alone.
In secret I don't love you.
Don't ever let me dance alone.
Author notes
I wrote this with The Strokes - Evening Sun playing in the background. So the rhythm is very similar.
A contest entry
- RHYMING TO YOUR FAVORITE SONG!!!!!! by cbsbecm88.
550 points, ended November 29, 2008, 17 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Is it alright? Lyrics worthy?
Comments
-
Title-8.5 good title but not really matching the poem
Flow-8 the flow was lost in some places and this did not rhyme
Rules-7 sorry! you went of the max. lines and i didn't dq because i just couldn't! this also didn't rhyme
Creativity-9.5 i'll give you some for your creativity!
Song-8.5 was kind of based off of the song
Total-41.5
this is a good poem! and this is also the downside to judging with scores, this is a good poem but i didn't come off in the scores! thank and good luck! -
For one, I think it would be okay for you to end at: "For you.
That will do."
Another thing is, it sounds a bit like you kind of change the subject in the middle. The words were nice, but they felt more like filling rather than lyrics. I suggest that you think about what you really want to say and then just say it. Sometimes writers get so caught up in making things sound pretty that they lose the message. I like where you're going with this, but I strongly suggest that you look over it some more. Good luck with your music!
God bless,
~Avan~
-
love it! this is great
-
THIS
would be a phenomenal song.
very well written.
very much like a song.
i would love to hear it sometimes once you put music to it.
the first stanza was a little bit of a cliche.
the second stanza really caught my attention because it was so true.
great job.
great word choice.
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