the paint is wearing
thin; it chips and
splinters, and i watch
awed by the patterns
lazy, lazy arms
unable to find their
place, wrapped around
the last, cold gasps
of someone dear
i envision my next
friends, bound
and scrutinized
their fear painted into
the cold steel sides
of this chamber
the outward projection
of my bloodlust
when the heavy
iron door, scratched
with decades and moans
of the imprisoned
elders before me
is creaked open
and the moment lost
Author notes
Ah, to relive the past in captivity.
Won silver in this contest: http://allpoetry.com/contest/2409221
Option 4.
In a list
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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The personification of this write and the obvious darkness about it is magnificent. It is disturbing and yet I stood in awe onve I read the first two stanzas.
Now I believe that when you reach to the ending stanza you leave something hanging, perhaps a line of description. I seem to linger in this stanza;
when the heavy
iron door, scratched
with decades and moans
of the imprisoned
elders before me
is creaked open
and the moment lost
seems like "and the moment is lost"would sound more coherent if it was istead Then; The moment is lost."
I linger here because the write expresses the description of a iron door thne jumps to the produced sound and then reaches its end.
Perhaps your intention was to let the reader analize and if that is so, you made it quite well.
Nothing else to constructively comment at
nicely done here... thanks for entering!
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There is a quality of lost, of dark and pain in this piece. Very haunting; deliciously eerie. You used a very wise kind of personification in here that I admire; it can be seen veiled throughout the whole poem. I truly like the idea behind your words. This is a magnificent stanza:
"lazy, lazy arms
unable to find their
place, wrapped around
the last, cold gasps
of someone dear."
Staring at a painting that seems to speak volumes, seems to wear down, it feeds your desires- but then I seem to lose you in the second to last stanza.
"Of the imprisoned elders before me," hmmm... I understand what you mean by the stanza as a whole, and I think its brilliant that the door in the painting opens, however, I think that the line is a bit off.
You do what you feel is right with your piece...who knows perhaps its only me...
Other than that, this is a very unique piece that I truly enjoyed reading. Good luck in the contest.
Fresa Salvaje
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The "imprisoned elders before me" bit refers to prisoners that have been kept in his cell in the past before he came along.
Thank you for the comment.
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congrats on silver! It creeps me out each time i read it...and I'm alone in my apartment
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oh my gosh!
this is SO SO dark and foreboding!
gave me the chills!!
seriously dark!!!!!!
I really enjoyed it
~
S.P. 
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Wow.... (Yep, slow coming across this one too... Remind me to check more often. ) This was creey... But still great. You should do great in the contest. Anyway, probably not the best thing for an already semi-paranoid person to read at three AM, but oh well. Nice work.
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Ahhh, so you become paranoid at night, too, then?
You needn't worry, of course--they've not yet let me out.
I do hope I do well, but if not, eh, I'll survive.
Thank you for the applause.
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Who doesn't?
(Even more so with the books I read and everything.)
Wow... Mmkay then...
You'll do fine. Good grief. You're poetry's amazing.
No problem. They were well earned.
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oh wow I loved this poem...I could def see this in the picture thanks so much for entering
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I've made a couple changes to it; you might want to re-read it.
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