Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
Read • Contests • Groups • Learn • Forums • Store • Help
 

I See You

I can see you
Suffering in a tower
So unbecoming
Drowning in a cliche
With nothing but your own pride
To cling to.
One cloud
Hovers above you and from it
Acid rain pours
As if from the fountain of youth.
Monetary gain is your pleasure
Your sport
And milk is the substance
Of your dreams
Mental images of your
Deadly liquid
Your poison
For sick arousal.
Though the snowfalls
A mountain tumbles
And glides above you
Casting
A shadow upon your figure
That sticks to all and everything
Suffocating reality.
It's so unseemly
That like this
I see you.

Author notes

Yeah, the way I write my poetry is my own so there is rarely any punctuation. I hope the rhythm is okay though.

Besides the lack or randomly placed punctuation, what did you think?

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments


  • queen Moderators member
    June 17, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Welcome To All Poetry

    This is an amazing poem, your images you paint are outstanding Well done poet

    Barbara
    Site Greeter


  • Dienush
    June 17, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Welcome to AllPoetry

    I've seen poems with little punctuation before and I prefer them to those who look like a punctuation usage textbook I like this, the image3ry, the tangible atmosphere you paint with it. I think in the line "monetary gain is you pleasure", you must have meant "your". Anyway, I'm not one for "rhythm", but I'll just say that to me this has a smooth flow and reads neatly. You seem to have a couple redundant structures though. For example, "your pleasure" and "your sport" imply the same thing. If you have to repeat the idea, I'd go so far as to say repeating the same word emphasizes it more, while pleonasms just tend to sound awkward. I for one like sport better, but it's your call. same goes for "deadly liquid" and "poison". I like how we're left to wonder who this "you" is, if it's general or a generalized figure or someone in particular (and who). This piece has a good mixture of mystery, imagery, and poetic devices, which I appreciate. Thanks for sharing and best wishes

    ~Diana


    • Zairre
      June 17, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks you very much for the feedback. I know I have a tendency to be redundant but for some reson I feel like using the repetition for emphasis sounds better (to me) when I change it up. I guess the word you used was pleonasms. Either way I will definitely take it into consideration.

      I change the word to your as well. Thanks for catching that. I actually wrote it before I typed it so I guess I forget to put the r in there. Again, I thank you for your input