Eyes fall
into eyes, sight swallowed
fed perfume's promise.
We meet,
ready-met soul to soul
prior to dare-broken touches
even to layer's, now closer than I,
delicate cloth;
linger in loving small buttons,
a deft buzz of zip,
a slit's sweet gape lets me in,
an allure; all too quick
to be lost in you more,
opens exposed cried-for-pink.
Swooned in alchemy's touches
to perfect incompleteness
most mingle our mystery's
temperature-test on necked skins.
Wetted in kisses;
on lips a while parted
exchanging our breaths,
to breasts and thighs
speckled and pounced
smooth between legs
fingers border, combing.
Trust, even of thinking,
all left on a table abroad
in Ku'wah-Cheen
or somewhere like that',
while we drown together, slide
insistent, allowance
orchestrated by nails and tongues,
dancing in pleasure as one.
Author notes
New-ish territory for me, please don't hesitate to say as much as you might in critique.
A contest entry
- Dirty like this... by AJ Morelli.
3300 points, ended July 9, 2008, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Welcome any sincere response and critique
Comments
1 - 19 of 19
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if i had to leave one crit, i would say to make this sound more natural and less deliberately poetic... i would avoid words like "swooned", very out of place next to "a deft buzz of zip" ...
"a slit's sweet gape lets me in", there's gotta be a better way to say that...lol
"Wetted in kisses.." is another of those frilly kinda phrases, i think you need to find a voice and stay within it... i'd simplify the language a bit and be more direct with the narrative... you say a lot and perhaps less would be more in this instance...
thanks so much for being inspired enough to take the time to enter, it is really appreciated
al -
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My pleasure al and thanks for the opportunity to try something different.
'a slits sweet gape lets me in' really was intended as 'with the eyes'... just thought, perhaps I should have qualified more where I was up to at that point
Yes, I do believe I see your points about coming from one position, for the sake of continuity in the 'voice' heard.
Much thanks
Sol
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Just amazing and beautiful...no more to be said. It may be new for you, but you have written this as if it were a style familiar. I loved it.
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Hmmm...how to comment...it made me feel...there...I could feel the intensity of the eyes falling into eyes and the dare broken touches and the drowning together dancing as one...the sensuous and tender need for loving comfort in the intimate physical blending of bodies...you may be new at this, but you are very good at this...style I mean ...loved it...think I'll go get myself a glass of wine and read it again...lol...Peace, Rhonda Oh, and best of luck in the contest.
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You're great Rhonda!
and thank you for 'baring' with me!
Sol
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This is such a wonderful, sensual write. You have done so well here and it was lovely to read. Well done and all the best for the contest.
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This is a little different for me...
Thank you
Sol
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Hi sol,I find this piece to be sooooo elegant,so romantic and very sensual... and ..and...and..you know...
Caught loving small buttons,
while deft buzz of zip,
a slit's sweet gape lets me in
You described the sensuality of a human couple in such a spontaneous and simple way ...pure emotions with a high level of erotism...
and you said 'New-ish territory for me'... I wonder what will come when you become an 'expert' ..
Great job my friend
Ruby34
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Thank you Ruby
I'm glad you like it.
Sol
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Whew...*fanning self* I can't even comment here...X
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I love the sense of anticipation, the height of the waiting if I could give it a name other than 'want' and for me it seems much deeper than the act, perhaps,
not to say less meaningful, but possibly less whetting to the wish, if that makes sense
Trust, even of thinking,
all left on a table abroad
in Ku'wah-Cheen
or somewhere like that',
Yes....
at one point I had 'some far Virgin Island' in mine
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I nearly used 'want' again... Do you think I should?
I may even change the title
Thank you so much.
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BREATH TAKING
Words of love flowing like a sweet caress across a heated tongue ,only to find its mark once again, sliding down the heat trodden path...pulls a sigh from deep within and moist lips licked again...Now this is wonderful! I do love reading a GOLD niaish for sharing such beauty with me
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Thank you very much my friend,
I've been meaning to catch up with you
and hope to do so soon.
Thanks for visiting and for your generous comment.
Sol
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Hmmm very great erotica!
Such talent you have shown you have made this a work of art while not making it to smutty.
very well written!
Swooned alchemy's touches
to incompleteness,
most mingle our mystery's
temperature-test on necked skins.
Wetted in kisses; on lips a while parted
exchanging our breaths, to thighs
speckled and pounced across smooth between legs
fingers reach borders, combing through hair.
~Lisa~
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Believe me Lisa,
This is new ground for me, in which I am hesitantly trying to make my way and am still yet editing.
Thanks for your kind encouragement.
Sol
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oohh mama!! tis hot in here.. das strokin da cat!!
you're uppin' a gear my friend.. woot!
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OOHH mama!! Help me!!
I kicked the 'pussy' out
and made some other changes.
thanks! x -
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nasty pussy... lolol hehehheheheh
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