it was the forbidden time,
fourth quarter of the game.
but I laid hands on your shoulders anyway,
as if a mere touch could transport you
to the plane of my existence.
and I wished for the mysteries
that reside within your mind
to come dancing out of your ears
so I could see if they were beautiful,
or even real --
then I could decide how I feel.
when my hands fell away,
I wondered if you noticed
the absence of their weight.
A contest entry
- Touch by Naridill.
1000 points, ended June 22, 13 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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Opps! Bad timing... "...and I wished for the mysteries that reside within your mind
to come dancing out of your ears", Oh they'll come out sooner or later (lol). Just not during the game...sorry. It's one of the weird oddities of the sporty-minded. This piece dealt a 'expressive death-blow'. With so much expression, your writing has not failed to amaze me...
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Thank you so much! LOL I really can relate to the sports thing, I'm the exact same way with the computer.
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Oh well, I guess no harm, huh (lol). Yeah, I think we all have our 'things' right? Thanks for the follow-up.
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Oh, wow, Mallie. This one falls so heavily. The phrasing is simple and light, but the emotion bears down on my heart. Beautifully executed. There is, of course, the feeling of neglect in these lines. But I almost want to read something into those lines "it was the fourth quarter of the game." Almost like both the game and the relationship were almost over for him. And ironically, he was passionate about the one that was almost over; and seemingly may not even notice that the other is almost over.
I like that image of "I laid hands on your shoulders anyway"--from my upbringing, it has a spiritual undertone, and especially when you speak of transporting him to the "plane of your existence."
The wondering and the wanting something are so real, and thus is the disappointment so beautifully expressed at the end.
Beautifully done, gal! -
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Thank you, you are very kind!
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Congratulations on the Silver!
You did well, and deserved this.
Love
Myra
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Myra, thank you so much!
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What a beautiful ending. The mood just lifted to such direct emotions in those three lines. This piece was steady.
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Thank you for the silver and the wonderful inspiration!
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what an image you have provoked with your pen. The last two liens are really impacting...... what a write!! bravo!
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tender introspection here where perception means so much the sense that one is invisible, and unperceived; a gnawing feeling that seems to leave a hole... expressive, insightful writing here...PK
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Excellent title. 'Gripping' intro, which some portion of humanity understand most sympathetically, "it was the forbidden time/fourth quarter of the game."
Daring or curious or irritated "but I laid hands on your shoulders anyway." Yes, it seems one is either 'in on' the mystery, or uncomprehending of the "whys" of its practically hypnotic power.
Poignant last stanza. "Fell away" perhaps also as a sense relationships are slipped off for duration of the game.
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"it was the forbidden time
fourth quarter of the game
but I laid hands on your shoulders anyway
as if a mere touch could transport you
to the plane of my existence"
Sad but poignant reflection of a scene many can probably relate to. The time when conversations and other non-game related human interactions cease ... having become unwanted distractions. Their eyes are open, but those around them become invisible ... until the final buzzer sounds. Creative take on the prompt. Wish you the best in the competition. Favorite lines ...
"and I wished for the mysteries
that reside within your mind
to come dancing out of your ears"
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