Two Lives or One?

I live in a lie.
I cannot come face to face with these lies,
Yet I live in them.
What I say I do
I say and do the other.
What I say I want
I say but want the other.
What is a life without sin?
A perfect world?
A happy place?
Or how about the hypothetical utopia?
I am saved!
I am saved!
Oh happy day!
Yet still
Here I am sitting in the doctor's office
Being tested for the Big A.
What a shamble.
What a shame.
The girl I could have been
Is sitting at home
Reading her bible.
The girl I could have been
Is proclaiming the word of the Lord.
To the altar, I say.
To the altar!
I am free
My heart is free!
Yet again,
I lie in this bed.
Who is it this time?
A stranger from the street one day.
A guy from the corner the next.
Strung out
And hung out
To dry on a line of frivolity another day.
My crucifix by my side.
What a lie I've created.
Where my triple Xs
Get all the attention,
But cast me off the day I forget to pray.
Calling on the heavens
While I continue on my pursuit for S-I-N.
Yes.
I live in a lie.
Where my flesh tells me one thing
And my soul another.