Woke up, tiptoed
aware the stock in the oven was already
warming aware the turkey was basted
with white cotton and milky promises
Aware you were asleep, fine-haired heads
on pillows
fine-haired thoughts spun like luminous
silky ropes from your minds to mine
I knew the sun was coming up I knew the garden would bloom
again and your gardening gloves would come out, then in
and the children would play around you again like sun dappled
freckle-spattered
Angels
I knew
all this: and yet I did it
anyway, walked tiptoe down and left my note
upon the stair (in hopes you wouldn't read it) in
white chalk up down like a
Graffiti artist, leaving my soul in a tag for you
to stare at
with relief or tears in your eyes or maybe you
wouldn't notice, I hoped your dreams would live
to tell the tale.
...Aware
that you would find me, you would mind me replacing
the turkey's head with mine
aware the oven would never
work quite so well again
I knew
and yet I did it anyway.
Author notes
"Left my note upon the stair in hope you wouldn't read it." -- "Yet Another Day" by Armin Van Buuren.
death on thanksgiving...
A contest entry
- Prompt Contest (A-B) by OhNoChastity.
600 points, ended July 18, 2008, 15 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
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This is very strong. I love where you took the prompt, and the emotions in it. I love it. You definitely described the action and the emotions with it well.
I love the line "aware that the oven would never work quite as well again." It's a touch in human emotion, a touch into the relation of the day, it's a realisation of what will spark those nervous and hurtful memories. It's a strong symbol of emotion.
This poem made me want to cry. The finite details and the imagery of the life together, the memories twisted into it. I felt like I knew the person being left, loved and hurt as much as the narrator. I felt tears at the bottom of my eyelids.
Although, maybe this is another poem, I would've loved to have seen the reasoning behind the act. Why is the narrator leaving? What is making them do this act that they can't help but do?
Thank you, and I can't wait to read other poems from you. Keep up the good work.
-Jen -
um, wow. the imagery in this gives it an air of dreamy, detached sadness that i really like, and the repetition of the "aware" parts pulls me on through the poem. my only issue is that "and yet i did it anyway" seems like a far less beautiful and poetic line than the rest, and it's the last one we're left with.
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thanks for the critique!! i sort of agree with you about the line to be honoest... i think what i was trying to convey was what the speaker was say: that these things are all beautiful and dreamy and poetic and the images are perfectly formed... but when decision making time comes and when reality comes down to it, he makes the course, unpoetic decision... but i'll look at other ways of showing that i think! thanks x fff
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