I fell in love with a lost boy once.
He couldn't fly,
He couldn't caw
but his eyes were hazel,
almost golden
and his laugh made me smile
when he wasn't looking.
Our bed was hard,
our pillows too
and we wished for summer
waiting through winter.
We took our clothes to the laundromat
and had to count change,
use our lunch money,
use our only money.
Old women shook their heads,
their poorly dyed hair
shaking, whispering
"What a shame."
But when we held hands
at night, under the stars,
he told stories of adventure
I recited poetry and prose.
When I left, we cried
and held on too long,
I was almost late for the bus
and I'd not learned to fly.
When I stop to think,
it all seems a dream.
I feel my heart go out to Wendy
who loved a lost boy too.
I know we both wish
for those nights when they come
knocking on our doors.
Wish we could bring back the
heavy clouds, the dark storms
knowing it was the only thing
that forced them inside.
Author notes
"We don't need shelter only sky, bring back the storms that made us high." Was the prompt I used.
A contest entry
- Prompt Contest (A-B) by OhNoChastity.
600 points, ended July 18, 2008, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
-
I think you captured the prompt well. I definitely saw the second part, though I would've loved to have seen the shelter only sky part a bit more. I love the metaphor of the lost boy, the comparison to Peter Pan. In the beginning I thought that this was just another Peter Pan story, but as I read further I saw that it was merely a metaphor.
I love the last stanza, I found this an interesting twist on the storms. I'm not sure this is a correct interpretation, but I take it as the storms of their minds forced the lover to seek solace in.
I love the line "He couldn't caw, but his eyes were hazel, almost golden". It's such a good description of love. It's the acknowledgment of imperfection in a person, but knowing there are aspects that no one else has. It's these things that make them beautiful to us.
As far as suggestions, I feel like the direct reference to Wendy was a bit unneeded. I could feel the metaphor and the empathy, and her name doesn't really need to be said in anything but the title. I think it could be reworked to make it a beautiful and an even stronger metaphor.
This was a really good poem, and VERY creative. I amend you for that. Thank you so much for entering, and I can't wait to read more poetry from you.
Thank you again,
-Jen -
i sympathize, and this is very pretty. the only things i'd change would just be to cut out some unnecessary words--maybe cut out "hazel" in the first stanza, for instance, and just say "almost golden." i love the image of the old women in the laundromat disapproving, though, and the last stanza wraps it all up beautifully.
-
absolutely beautiful
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