shadow moon glows rust
eclipsed. . .now
bright!
Author notes
Edited: (1-2-04) Trying to stick to English 'orthodox' syllable count made this too wordy, trimmed to improve the "breath".
Written November 30th, 2003
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What did you think
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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Oh...,I see your variation on form here. And your right,it does read in a single breath. Wild thing an eclispe.Just viewed a full lunar like this one tonight.You've capture such an event well with few words here.
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It's so weird you wrote this back then and now we're about to have another one in the next couple of days...hmm that is a wonderful metaphor...
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Absolutely amazing; your poetry is visionary and fascinating, I shall bookmark you add return later.
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Loved this eclipse! Not many people can write a four line haiku so good as this one! Thanks for the pleasant read!
Mari
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Excellent
Hi Ma'at-ka-ra:
Very nice description of a harvest moon as it progresses up in the sky. My compliments to a job well done. You do have a way with words! Thanks. Bill -
Ah.... I like this rendition a lot......... it does read in a simple single breath. Well done.... interesting four line format!... great direction for contemporary writing balanced perfectly with some traditional concepts.
Don -
Hi Don ~ Finally decided this was crap, and trimmed it to see if it would improve the "breath". I was distracted by trying to remain 'orthodox' in English (which is oxymoronic), and let my 'moment' be obscured. Thanks for 'eclipsing' me, with your demonstration by example.
~ Maatkara
PS. Eh, it's probably still crap.
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thanks for your suggestions on my poem. i appreciate it.
i really like this haiku and i look forward to reading more of your stuff!
-chayse -
Haikumonk ~ I like the "breath thought", yeah, some are like that, some not. I said to someone recently (about the eclipse) that it is difficult sometimes to avoid overt similes/metaphors in haiku, until you realize that a lunar eclipse IS a metaphor!
~ Maatkara
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I would put this into the more modern tradition of three lines... the earlier tradition was a single line....... such as Basho wrote...etc.
Also, one of the great tests of a good haiku is the "breath"... it should be able to be read in a single, comfortable breath.... easily. Like a breath thought. lol
Interesting work.
I'll be back for more.
Thanks,
Don -
Haha! That would be funny; you'd have to provide a sample example yourself first though...think you're up to your own challenge?
I only called it 'Lunar Haiku' for a title to appear - haiku don't usually have titles. The idea is to record "the essence of a moment keenly perceived in which Nature is linked to human nature". R. H. Blythe, the great translator of Japanese haiku, wrote that haiku is "an open door that looks shut".
Thank you for the positive review.
~ Maatkara
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Tanku, Lunar Haiku, and what else? Another form I am unfamilar with but a concise piece, also dealing with nature. Well written. I think I will create a new Haiku form. It must be f lines, a 5-6-7-6-5 syllable count and must make the reader cry with a last line ziger. I'll call it BOO-Hoo Haiku. What do you think?
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What a lovely haiku, the arrangement threw me for a second but it follows the 575 perfectly and the imagery is lovely. Nice work!
Nate.
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