Do you want to know
The first thing I saw
When I saw you?
My back against the wall
You standing between my thighs
My legs wrapped around you
While your hands smooth over my body
Lips trembling with desire
Body taut with need
I could almost hear your moans
Echo inside my ears
Funny how something so seductive
Something my entire being screams for
Can disappear so quickly
Once we truly meet
A contest entry
- Dirty like this... by AJ Morelli.
3300 points, ended July 9, 2008, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
-
I like this Ashley, I think you have a great idea you are developing...
a few crits, i might change the word "saw" in line 2 to prevent repeating it in line 3, something like this,
"Do you want to know
The first thing I thought
When I saw you?"
and i think the closing stanza might be reworked a bit for clarities sake, because the idea behind it is so good and i find myself stumbling a bit over the last couple of lines...
but overall a really nice entry here, thanks
al
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