strange memory of the past
each one leaves a path
leading to a way back
to the last time i was with you
in Soho looking at smiling skulls
it seems i can permeate this thin membrane
and touch your face through space and time
we are there
like apparitions
A contest entry
- You're Not Here Anymore by Annexed Josephine.
300 points, ended June 26, 2008, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - All walks of life by SilverWolf.
335 points, ended July 9, 2008, 41 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Welcome ladies and Gents by RawrSmileBabyPlz.
450 points, ended July 11, 2008, 77 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Anything by crystallynnbradford.
300 points, ended July 30, 2008, 88 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Make me smile. NO RULES!! by Jade.Butterfly.
500 points, ended October 14, 2008, 28 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What does it mean to you?
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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I enjoyed this. It's deceptively simple, and the lack of capitalization and punctuation definitely works here. I also enjoyed how the first three lines have a very subtle slanted end-rhyme occurring between them. (Not sure if it was conscious or not, but it added nicely to the flow of the poem-- and flow is almost more important with short poems than long ones.) With the first three lines, however, I feel like I need some sort of interesting detail or unique description inserted-- there were really interesting moment with the the rest of the poem (smiling skulls in Soho, thin membranes in space and time, etc.) but the characteristic was missing from the beginning.
Like I said, I enjoyed the brief images you presented, and I also thought you ended the poem very effectively. I can't decide whether or not the poem needs 'like' in the final line, though-- I keep going back and forth between thinking that removing the simile would make the ending even more powerful, or that the word keeps the poem's rhythm going to its final cadence. I still can't decide what I think of the simile, but I figured that explaining my thought process might be helpful anyway. -
Awesome!!
Very short but straight to the point and i like it.
Powerful words behind it .
Nicely done.
good luck.
-Mandi
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Short and Powerfull
I get the feeling of being on an astral trip out side my body looking at a place or a person there but not there always having a way back to myself. I have read books on astral projection I think I did it once not sure I am going to try it again.
But I think when we write our poetry at least for me I feel like I step out side myself at times.
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Not to bad, although nota fan of short poetry you did do a pretty good job with this one. Thank you for entering my contest and good luck.
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curt & nice
I think the lack of puntuation was really a good choice. Makes for a nice match: easy flow + diamond in the rough. This piece is like champagne,
sheen. I found it hauntingly classy with refined taste.
cheers,
christin
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thank you! even your comments are poetic
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I'm surprised this hasn't won anything yet. I really enjoyed the simplicity of this.
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Mechanically, perhaps capitalize the the S in strange? And in the 4th and 6th line, capitalize I. This is an interesting poem. Very well written. I enjoyed it. You should be proud. Ghastly and intriguing.
Mylee
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thank you
thank you very much i really felt like this that night.
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Scientifically eerie. Nicely done.
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