Lost in thought,
Floating away.
Another bitter end,
To another sweet day.
Love in my soul
And hate in my heart
I feel you beside me
But we're so far apart
You're right there
But so far away
I call you mine
But it's not yet that day
I can't have you now
But that doesn't mean never
You don't relize how much I care
You don't see I'll wait forever
Author notes
!!!!!!!!The first 4 lines are not mine!!!!!!they were written by Michael-B and this poem was written for his contest...wish me luck....and I titled it Inbetween because It seemed that he was trapped inbetween two totally different things when he wrote it and that was how I tried to finish off....
A contest entry
- Option Contest by Michael-B.
600 points, ended June 15, 2008, 4 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
....................
Comments
-
I really like it, actually it's pretty close to whats going on with me at the moment so it sort of sent a shiver up my spine like a really good singer does when they sing that perfect song.
well done
-
A good attempt at carrying it on, and the first 4 lines you added were great for the flow and the rhyme. The second four however let you down a little I think, the first line "Your right there" I'm guessing you meant "you are" which should be shortened to You're. And in the line "But it's on yet that day" again only guessing did you mean to write but it's "not" yet that day.
It's a very good attempt at something that isn't the easiest thing in the world taking someone else's poem and expanding on it. However while I can see that you've looked at the second line that I wrote and seen the contrast, the fact is its relating to the oxymoron "bitter sweet" not just too phrases thrown together so when your poem just moved off in the single dimension of "I feel you beside me, But we're so far apart" etc it kinda lost a little appeal, especially as the four lines it orriginates from goes in the order of:
First two lines random scene setting,
Second two lines conflicting emotional thoughts.
Your addition to the poem is just two lines of conflicting emotional thoughts each time.
However that all said and the odd spelling/grammar mistake it was a good attempt in a difficult contest.
-
-
Thanks
Thank you for the honest critque...I needed that I had never tried to finish or add on to some one else's poems...not my best but it was fun to see how it worked out... and yes I need to proof read my work I get your and you're mixed up a lot because when I'm typing i put your because I can type it faster and I don't think about it until some one points it out... and yes it was suppose to say but it's "not" yet that day... thank you for pointing that out...and thank you for hosting such a unique contest...I hope it helped you
~*~An Unwritten Truth~*~
-
Adding your comment:
