Persephone kissed
a siren on her way down,
felt the cool metal in her mouth
the vibratto on her throat
and blew deep, sweet song into the open
waiting receptacle
throat
that
sucked up her
final call
for salvation
with one final
WHOOSH
left nothing but her garter belt,
(oh! you let your knickers down)
naughty girl,
naughty girl,
oh!
Persephone.
Shouldn't have gone down that hole,
gripped the cold Earth
tore fingertips
in vain
shouldn't have (been pulled, tugged, forced)
bruised belly,
brute force,
shouldn't (have been raped, kept)
did.
Author notes
This is a second draft. Minimal changes have been made to try and smooth the transtitions between the stanzas, though I feel that it still needs a bit of work. Any comments are greatly appreciated!
Also: as a certain contest requires, my favourite animal Wolfgang Van Halen the IInd, my rabbit.
A contest entry
- [[ I wish i had a cookie]] For All by RawrSmileBabyPlz.
430 points, ended June 18, 2008, 20 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Anything by crystallynnbradford.
300 points, ended July 30, 2008, 88 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - prewrites by aeolia.
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Feedback?
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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I love this modern take on Persephone, and all the myriad mistakes she made.
As for corrections... typo on the fifth line from the bottom... should be 'forced'. -
Quite interesting ,strong imagery .It's really good !
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This is fablulous, great style very strong and diverse and amazinng imagry, loved the last verse best seriosly nice write littlefishone
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I think this is fantastic i love the way it's written it captures you and makes you want to feel it completely.
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Beautiful
Imagery. It really pulled me into it!
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this is quite the interesting take on the greek myth
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Wow this is great
very well written
thanks for entering my contest
i wish you the best of luck
for you
xxx--<3--
Shelly -
great!! LOVE IT!! awesome!!! wooo!!!! enter this in a contest cuz i kno u wud win!!!!!!
Silverwolf
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o wait u did lol
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Thanks!
Over the next few days I'm going to be reworking this into a second draft. All comments are appreciated, and will be considered in the editing process. In regards to using author's notes, I refuse to footnote references, symbolism, or any other aspect of a poem that might contribute to meaning, save for the few instances that I choose to use words in a language other than English (and even then, not always). Truthfully, readers that are too lazy to go to a library or to use a dictionary to help them build meaning when reading a poem can always glean at least a basic understanding of almost anything from Wikipedia. In fact, they can cut and paste, and don't even have to be bothered to re-type anything. I strongly believe that the reader needs to play an active role in constructing meaning. I don't have time for readers that are too lazy to even try. -
I think in its own way it is well written. Yes it is a bit rough around the edges like the parethasis(sp) and how you put single words between stanzas but other then that I thought it was well done Thank you for sharing
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Well, I think it would help the reader to understand if a reference or a summary of Persephone was in your AN; although, I am not sure if Persephone is only a metaphorical figure here or if this is a story about her so I think I'll go with the first option . . .
. . . the first stanza was a lovely opening with awe-inspiring lines although, I'm not sure what recepticle is ^^' or was it a typo? 0.o
and then the "throat that" suddenly blocked the entrance of the theme to flow well so you might have to edit that n.n
and then the naughty girl and oh let your knickers down made me quite confused about where the theme was going to and those lines didn't seem to blend well O.O
and the last stanza was a powerful touch but you have to edit it correctly, though.
All in all, you have not much problem with the first and last stanzas but the middle should somehow support the structure for the flow to go from the first stanza to the last stanza so add some lines, tighten the stanzas and make the theme simply clear or quite abstract
Anyway, that's all I could suggest and I hope this draft will turn into a fitting write since this piece has potential to provoke thoughts to the reader
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i have a feeling this is intended to have some larger implication, something to say about rape and where blame is placed or something, but i have to admit it's lost on me, probably because i'm feeling too brain dead and lazy right now to think as deeply about it as it demands.
just the images, though, were quite stunning, "felt the cool metal in her mouth / the vibratto on her throat" is especially vivid and gorgeous and amazing, can feel both the beauty and the force pressing on the throat, ("on," amazing the impact those two letters have, such a strong sensory image.)
the style of the final stanza is gripping to me, striking ending, sharp finality.
in my mind, though, there seem to be three distinct parts - the kissing of the siren, the in between garter belt/knickers/naughty girl flurry, and the final stanza - and they seem a bit disjointed to me, so distinct in style, sound, rhythm. if you could find a way to smooth the transitions a bit, bind it a bit more into a unified whole, unless that was your intention.
the fourth stanza seemed to me almost the moment of the rape referred to later, this rush, everything happening too fast, disorienting flurry, not really sure what's happening... but also sort of this ambiguity that seems to run throughout the entire piece as to where exactly the line between willing passion and exploitation and abuse is, though maybe i'm completely off, because the stanza is caught between the kidnap and rape in the underworld and the passion, perhaps willing, at least partially, with the siren (but then again, the whole essential characteristic of the siren is there irresistible seduction that "sucks out" the will, and power to control one's decisions and actions)... love that ambiguity, and i think this could be interpreted many ways. but i wander recklessly. anyway, what i was originally meaning to say was that the fourth stanza was probably my least favorite part, just not sure about it, i don't know, might play with it a little.
anyway, very intriguing, thought provoking (even against my brain's will) piece, still a bit rough i think, sorry i couldn't offer more specific suggestions, but its a neat start! i'm glad i stumbled upon it.
on revisions:
i like what you've done with the (now) fifth stanza, the imagery of her clinging to the "cold Earth" with her fingertips is extremely striking, more so then it was before i think.
interesting that in this draft move from ambiguity over the line between passion and exploitation, how much was consented to, now much more clearly blaming the victim.
not sure about how you've spread out the final three stanzas, the layout, both in sound and visually, bothers me for some reason. wonder if you could integrate it somewhat into the fifth stanza, something along the lines of
"Persephone
Shouldn't have gone down that hole
(pulled, dragged, tugged,
torn fingernails gripping
the cold Earth in vain)
Shouldn't have eaten death
(hungry, raped, trapped,
bruised bellied)
did."
if you could maybe in some way incorporate the pomegranate seeds (like i tried to here, though you can probably come up with something better) since it seems at least from how i've heard the story told that's how the blame seems to be sort of put on her, sealing and "justifying" her fate.
if nothing else, on a minor note i believe you meant "forced" in line 25, and you might consider making the placement of the parenthesis consistent in the sixth and seventh stanzas as either "have (been..." or "(have been..." and maybe placing a line break before the parenthetical expressions to help visually.
just my humble opinion, to be taken with a pinch of salt.
in any case, it does seem less disjointed in my ear, so good job on that!
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well its ok but kinda weared i like someparts of i
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