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You Can't Please Me

All these years
and all this pain

I couldn't forget
  couldn't remember

I never understood
  But I never knew

what was the point
why did I try to please you
I don't know  how
It didn't bother me then
  like it bothers me now

I was just a child
Not even that when you walked away
I hadn't even taken my first breath

I'd never laid eyes on you
You'd never laid eyes on me

But some how I wasn't enough
The little girl you never knew
Is growing into the woman
You'll never see
Cause you won't open your eyes
You won't look at me

I know i shouldn't
But I can't help but wonder
What could have been
  Maybe even would have been

If you had just swallowed your pride
But you couldn't
    or wouldn't
but it's all ok

I don't know and you don't know me
But somehow we where never enough
I couldn't please you
And you can't please me

A contest entry

what do you really think....

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Comments

1 - 5 of 5

  • apples fell
    June 16, 2008

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    "I couldn't forget
    couldn't remember

    I never understood
    But I never knew"
    - This is strange for me. I think it is because you are almost saying the same thing...It is unique, but you might consider snipping "but I never knew" and going right into the next stanza. At least from my perspective this would work.

    As for the poem itself, I feel like you have a strong understanding of what you wanted to write. My problem is that I would have liked to see a little more detail here and there, central around some of the stanza's. Like maybe you could play off the poem in the sixth verse and quite possibly show us some of what you are feeling, instead of telling us. Sometimes poetry is the best release we can muster and I do appreciate that there are some moments in here that I really connect with. So my comment is not so directed at your poem as a whole, but just parts. Improvement is ever evolving and I hope that this critique is helpful.

    Thanks so much for entering our contest.

    ;


  • lively banter
    June 15, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I can relate to this poem so much. Especially to the idea how not having a father figure didn’t really affect you until you’re growing into a woman. My father died when I was 7 but it took me till my late teens to get super depressed with that fact. I was becoming a man and I had no one to teach me what that means. The repeated words in each stanza kind of bothered me, it just kind of feels like a cheap way to get your ideas across. So I was happy to see you didn’t rely on that for the entire poem. I think you should get rid of the ‘that’ in the fifth stanza, it sounds awkward. Re-read it a couple times and let me know what you think. I think you should get rid of the “all” in the second to last stanza for the same reason. Thank you for entering, hope you’re doing well.


    • PhoenixRose
      June 15, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      now that I look at it again I agree with removing the all, but I don't thik it will make sense if i removed the that...thank you so much for the comment it is very helpful
      ~*~Lauren~*~

1 - 5 of 5