.The poem Homesick was written a few months ago but since then we have returned from Australia and things have different values and are seen in a different light now.
HOMESICK.
Many times I wish I was back at home,
a place where I’m always free to roam,
where blue Aussie skies are overhead,
and wherever I stop I can lay my head.
I long for the lost freedom there found,
travelling over dusty sunburnt ground,
where water is now but a sacred word
and deathly silence is quite often heard.
Where beaches go way beyond my sight,
and chirping crickets sing all bloody night,
the comforting sound big breakers make,
when on the shore they dump and break.
The clear blue-green crystal of rolling surf,
suburban houses floating on a sea of turf,
where kerbing frames the whole neat lot,
and people smile “g’day” on their daily trot.
The hours toiled over a smoking barbecue,
the grating call of neighbour’s pet cockatoo
and mossies trying for a bloody pint or two,
as I lovingly sip my potent home made brew.
But I am in a hot far off land across the sea,
where circumstances won’t let me live so free,
a prisoner of mind and promise earlier made,
that on my conscience is so heavily weighed.
Though it really isn’t so fuckin bad I suppose,
for the sheilas have nice legs and petite toes,
and I can live like a king on my pension small,
but no one savvies slang or my dry Aussie drawl.
So I try to keep busy every day in so many ways,
cant read the paper or watch soapy TV plays,
eat food which in Oz we wouldn’t give the dog,
but cheap is the price of a bottle of local grog.
I miss the land of fish ‘n chips, pies and stew,
where the language can get so black and blue,
where the “f” word is never a terrible disgrace,
or in public to quietly kiss or a friend embrace.
So the culture is different from what we know
and an Aussie with pride I’ll continue to grow,
so I truly have the best of both worlds you see
as I visit Oz each year with Toy along with me.
SEQUEL TO HOMESICK.
At last !! I am Bangkok to Brisbane bound,
hope my old haunts can again be found,
under those blue Aussie skies overhead,
and the joy of sleeping in a real soft bed.
But with Toy my fiancée close by my side,
the old freedoms must remain left inside.
Fresh water is now a more sacred word,
snarled traffic makes silence far less heard.
The same beaches meander out of sight,
impatient horns shatter the dark of night,
and breakers still have a comforting roar,
as wind blows from seaward to the shore.
The blue-green waves of the crystal surf,
suburban houses float on dry brown turf,
forced water restrictions and rules galore,
but Aussies still smile as they did before.
The barbies still burning and running hot,
smoke making eyes run and go blood shot,
the mossies still compete for a pint or two,
get drunk on blood full of home made brew.
Yet in that hot land far off across the sea,
with Toy makes me again want there to be,
to live out my life from past promises made,
that now I await eagerly and quite unafraid.
Though it really aint fuckin’ bad I reflect,
for the sheilas smile sweetly with respect,
and my pension though a low miserable sum,
makes up for the problems that often come.
So now I write and paint and enjoy my time,
drawing in pastel or making poems rhyme,
so I have learned to make my own Oz pies,
and cheap beers sooth my throat if it dries.
Fish ‘n chips, pies and stews are the rage,
but blue language is forbidden at my age,
and the ‘f’ word remains a terrible disgrace,
or a public kiss or just a friendly embrace.
The culture is different so I follow the policy
but an Aussie with pride I will for all time be,
so I really do have the best of both lands,
as we plan our future happily holding hands.
.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
-
You have great word control. The pattern and flow is of the up most greatness! Both poems show personality and give a great feel for cultures.
One thing I would say is that, well i don't know if you are aware of this, but there is this lousy TV show called Hannah Montana that has a theme song called Best of both Words. I hate that stupid show, but it did remind me of that stupid song at first. I almost didn't click it because of that. But I was like, no it will be something not so stupid. I'm glad that I did click it though^^ It was amazing.
Have a great day.
-Potato. -
-
Well thanks maam....
No, we are lucky enough not to have such a show, although as I live in Thailand I can't understand their soapies anyway and thank goodness. All have the same basic plot and of course are spoken in Thai. If ou have seen one, you have seen them all.
Bazza
-
-
What a great read!
How to travel without leaving my chair!
I found your verses, although long
enough to give me pause, not wrong,
and times like these took me along
to feel new culture. Such a strong
sense of alienation! So to prolong
the stay another day even if among
friends, it would lacerate my psyche!
I hasten to say yours was truly expressive, felt real, and made me see how it feels (a feat in itself!) I enjoyed the poem, all of it!
The only thing that bothered me at all was the full stop at the end of every line. I don't usually have time to read long poems but with this high quality I want to show the difference that enjambment makes.
My lines at the top need few commas or other punctuation at the end of a line, because the rhyme is in mid-sentence.
To show what I mean, let's look at sentences at the top:
I found your verses, although long enough to give me pause, not wrong, and times like these took me along to feel new culture.
Such a strong sense of alienation!
So to prolong the stay another day even if among friends, it would lacerate my psyche!
Benefits of enjambment, the end rhymes that have no pause are hardly noticed when it is read aloud. Except visually, they do not dominate.
Hoping to help your next poem.
Terry
. Rewarded 8
-
-
Much Appreciated,
Thanks Terry for your comments and applause as well as suggestions. I must put onto my home page about my work as a means of explanation. My poems are designed to be read to people (audience) but NOT as a performance and always tell a story or give a message and therefore need to be pictured in people's minds and so are set out that way without worry about the technicalities of punctuation or form, as one has to give time for the images to build and flow like a movie. I find this way (how I write) the best for my needs and don't have a rule book or believe in writing to convention as that destroys originality, uniqueness, atmosphere and innovation and so designed as an overall package or experience. I agree with what you say but old habits die hard, and so I don't confuse myself by changing them. I see no problem with line length and cannot see it as an issue. Like reading a newspaper, one does not worry about column width. Yes !! there are a few errors I noticed when taking heed of your comments but there is mostly only a full stop at the end of each stansa and maybe a comma or two at the end of a line when it is followed by an and in the next line. I dont worry about writing an AP version because of time constraints so I bow to your comments and technicalities and hope you are not offended at my reply and reason for them. When my first edit is done a week or so after osting many should be picked up and rectified.
Thanks a million at your taking the time to express my errors as constructive critiscism is always helpful.
Bazza
-
-
Overall you did a good job. Better than some of the rhyming I've seen here. In spots the flow was broken; but overall ran smooth. Nicely done.
-
great poem....the way ur discribe this places realy makes rethink my view on home....thanks for sharing
. Rewarded 4
-
You bloody little beauty! Good on ya mate!
-
Ya beaut!
-
-
Thanks Mairi.
Thanks Mairi I know its no great literary effort, but the original was written in a time of homesick despair, and so I had to put the record right, if only in fairness and good taste, apart from my conscience. Maybe I will clean it up but at least I have righted the record. Thanks for your applause and comments and I hope to catch up with the last few months absense from the site.
Bazza.
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 9 of 9
