Affinities abandoned
where remembrances remained
are smothered by melancholy,
like a strong backwash of waves
pulling stones into currents.
It's easier to avoid interaction;
the annoyance of finger strumming
in attempt to aggravate
ear drums.
They nestle in conscience,
tuning melodies into obedience,
creating warps of personality --
[bending to fit voids]
When affection meets catastrophe,
drowning in remnants of sorrow
becomes preferable.
Yes, silence is better than risk.
Yet, even bottles carried
along seaward billows
can hide a note within;
one hope of communion
trapped inside transparent vacuum--
words that long to be heard
and felt,
or just whispered across the lips
of some unknown finder.
And even sorrow
is its own kind of music
layering wisdom in parts
like a choir.
Then maybe risk is better than silence.
For melody can sing sweetly to itself
but harmony--
harmony is the stuff of the universe.
Author notes
Collaboration with x v
Entry for Poets Survivor Round 3.
In a list
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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"stuff" - sure, it goes well with the sound - but I think it doesn't sound right in a poem?
You guys did a good job. I thought the theme was probably the most original one in the contest - a bit of a challenge to find at first, but with some study, it all comes together cohesively.
Opening oneself to society or closing oneself to society - very thought provoking topic.
Congratulations on first place.
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Gracias
By the way, it's probably an original theme ... but not uncommon. Do you open yourself or close yourself? -
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I used to close myself - i was really shy & wasnt myself.
Until february, i decided to come out of the closet.
ironically, i'm more popular. who woulda thought? people seem to be more open to gays and bisexuals nowadays. but then again was being outgoing so that might be why, lol. :] -
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In that sense, it's really good.
In my sense - it probably isn't.
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I like how the poem goes from macro to micro. It draws the reader in and prepares them for a solution.
There is a feeling of almost numb acceptance in the stones being carried away and a bottled message returning; almost a sad acceptance that something returns but not always as we wish.
The imagery was ephemeral, allowing the reader to create that cosmos in their mind’s eye. The personification is strong. The sound to the language fits.
There was no sense of different voices….they blended beautifully. It gave the poem a sense of how our mind works as it creates understanding of events. Softly it draws to its conclusion. My favorite few lines:”When affection meets catastrophe,
drowning in remnants of sorrow becomes preferable.”
I am wondering, as well, about the first stanza and the use of “are”...perhaps it would not jog a little with it taken out?
All in all, a stupendous write…deep, and a reader can indeed relate.
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Thank you for the detailed comment. It is very insightful. The only problem with taking out "are" in the first stanza is then there would be no verb for the subject "Affinities" which would make the first stanza an incomplete thought/sentence.
We are so glad you liked our poem.
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Cool title. It tells right off that the poem will be related to music, and I thought, also stars (in this case universal order). I really liked the idea harmonious relationship being compared to the order and beauty of the universe.
Accessibility—A little slow to follow at first, but picked up toward the middle and through to the end. The meaning was not obscure at all, just came with a bit more difficulty until I got into the groove of the poem.
Emotion/Impact – nicely done. The difficulty of a broken relationship came through. I think a lot of readers can identify with this piece. The images of the tide carrying away stones and later, the message in the bottle gave me a sense of the sorrow and a bit of hope in sadness, respectively. I felt there was some room for a bit more tugging on and connecting with the reader in a more personal way instead of everything being so generalized, but still well done.
Poetic devices- the imagery was wonderful and consistent, line breaking done most skillfully, some nice consonance sprinkled throughout, clever wordplay with the drums, I liked the music/harmony metaphor used throughout,
Cohesiveness—THIS IS WHERE YOU SHINED. The style of the beginning phrasing was different in flow from the parts toward the end, but this was the most cohesive poem of the contest, and here’s why—your team presented two opposing views almost as if it were the thoughts of one person. It reads as if someone is giving a monologue, or thinking outloud. The reader makes the discovery ALONG WITH THE SPEAKER that perhaps it is better to risk and to mend than to remain aloof when wounded. It becomes a “real time” sort of poem. There were certain lines of transition that made this work SO well. Using the word, YET, is like the speaker is saying, “on the other hand…” and moves the reader effortlessly into the next section. Also, ou referred to sorrow, music, the sea, etc. in both sections, but in different ways, tying all the ideas together. Exceptionally well done.
Mechanics- perhaps a wrong word form in the first stanza, but other than that, mechanics were great.
One thing I really appreciated about this piece is its simplicity. The thoughts were significant, but the presentation was for the most part really straightforward and not overly verbose.
This was a really well done piece from two poets who normally have extremely different poetic styles and tastes. Something to be proud of.
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Thanks Ten, we are so glad you liked our poem.
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This was very thought-provoking and I could not detect the separation of poetic styles. Your poem combines both voices in harmony which is fitting for the topic of the work. You have explained the risk and detailed the reward in this beautiful poem. Good luck in this challenge. Peace, Liz
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We did amazing
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Wow! Such a thoguht provoking write. Not sure which way I am convinced to go, But your wrods here are so eloquent on both sides.
All the best to you booth.
Gaylene
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Wow--eloquent as always and with underlying themes behind literal-seeming words.
My favorite lines:
"smothered by melancholy"
Because melancholy can ruin any day...
"pulling stones into currents"
Fantastic imagery.
The second stanza is pure gold...really.
You are careful and expertly employ 'Yet's' in all the right instances...great write.
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This made me sigh...so very beautiful Love, C
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Than You C. We are so glad you enjoyed it.
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