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Storms [Survivor Collab]

 

Climate is not certain, it appears and seems; or
varies by season in years deemed warm and cold.
Epochs have come and faded to past when men 

wrung hands, spirits downcast, expecting a day 

to become the last: ends of ages of man;

somehow persisted by chance and ingenuity
by providence or perspicuity [the wisdom of some few].

The weather has changed, climate is in a spin
more than the words used to pardon our sins
against air, land, and seas; humanity so weighty
your footsteps now tides do not wash away
the stains upon our shores, and we seem to ignore
that greed changes the world we so adore
that even a sneeze by 'billions blood' is a breeze
taking from oceans has left voids, places emptied


and yet we stand, more plentiful and abundant
than before. Disease in retreat and technology
to rescue the saving grace of the human race
in our hands,  tireless djinn, great spirit of invention.


Oh so false the rosy eyed views, so much more to do
field’s poorly yield, water is scarce soon food fallows too.
Sickness simply waits like carrion birds circling starved land
for the quiet turned back, for the small helpless hands
for storms gather more and more force and strike without tears;
that will be left for us, in payment for many neglectful years.

Earth, sun and moon in their eternal dances
meteor pocked faces recall Nature's distant chances


we are authors of tragedy upon bluest stage
engines of ruin, foils and follies of an age
would we face the future of our descent,
when wills were failed by false intents
distant loved ones separated lost in tragic days
that we have made, dallied, or allowed to stay

the world must speak in one voice or may never be heard.

The Sun fed the earth and ages preserved heat
the black gold of wealth this world so deserved


now is the time while day still allows to remember how
the sun shines tomorrow, and we can feed anew, and now
change is the need, pressing thunderbolts upon caring hearts
to make a better place for our children, we simply must start.

 

 

 

Author notes

the phrase 'billion blood' was and allusion reference to

Sparrow by Charles Bukowski

" To give life you must take life,
and as our grief falls flat and hollow
upon the billion-blooded sea... ."

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Comments

1 - 6 of 6
  • Remember, I am but one reader, but this poem has some awkward moments that ruin the voice for me. It makes the poem feel fragmented, and I am aware of the cut and paste feeling to it.
    “seems varies by season.” “wrung hands spirits downcast “ “expecting a day to become the last. Ends ages of man, persisted” Awkward beginning were felt in the first stanza. Second stanza has same awkwardness of lack of punctuation…” weather has changed climate is I”
    “greedy moods” borders on cliché by adding the “moods” in the second stanza.
    A difficult image “by billion bloods is a breeze taking from oceans has left voids,”
    Awkward: “much more to do field’s poorly yield,”” Sickness simply waits like carrion birds circled starving land” tense of circled/circling?
    Change up of rhyme, no rhyme gives this a bit of a sense of fragmentation.

    The poem sort of fell to a puddle at the end for me….I wanted something dynamic to end off with.
  • must start!

    You have made some very important statements well, in clearly definable perspectives. Lots of great stuff in these lines.

    Accessability - The reading was a little slow for me in parts. Perhaps the scant punctuation and a few grammatical things kind of got in the way. It took a few reads for me to take in just the surface level of a few parts.

    Emotion or Impact—You chose a topic that has potential for very strong opinions. Nice choice! On one hand the blame and urgency to change came through, and on the other the a more removed, and in spots philosophical view was established. The impact was lessened a bit because of the difficulty to follow certain spots, but after several careful reads the message really comes through. I thought the ending was a HUGE plus on both emotion and impact!

    Poetic Devices—WONDERFUL use of both end rhyme and end rhyme. The rhythm of the end rhyme sections was so smooth to follow, and the interspersed internal rhyme gave a heightened plane of beauty to the other sections. Beautiful sprinkling of consonance as well. Lots of amazing images and descriptions. My favorite was this: “footsteps now/ tides do not wash away/ the stains upon our shores.” Plus, I loved the manipulation of the idea of a storm. It took on a much broader meaning in the end. So well done!

    Cohesiveness: This piece had some of the best transitions from one perspective to another. You moved back and forth between the two so well. I wasn’t fond of the changing of the text fonts to denote the changing of perspectives and the conclusion but mainly because I think with the way you blended it, it completely spoke for itself as a UNIFIED piece.

    Mechanics Some grammar issues here and there with word choice, but more punctuation would have been very beneficial to your readers. You have such wonderful phrases, and we want to know for sure where one ends and the other begins, where mid-line pauses are, so that we get their full impact.

    I found this to be a great collab and was most impressed with how you flowed through the different perspectives. The ending was a beautiful way to take the content of the poem and to hold you reader accountable with it, to make us feel the greater cause, the bigger picture.Thank you for pressing thunderbolts upon our hearts!

  • You have packed so much information in this wonderful poem. This issue is just beginning to get the exposure it deserves and your well researched effort adds to our understanding. You both used descriptive imagery and eloquent wording. Good luck in this challenge. Peace, Liz


  • Rose Angel gold member
    June 13

    Edit | Reply

    Wow!

    You have deeply expressed all the things going on iun my mind about the present state of affairs climatically and happenings in our world...So thouroughly and beautifully expressed!


  • Cannonsfire silver member
    June 12
    Edit | Reply
    Love, C
1 - 6 of 6