and so it is written;
(he is come)
jesus christ [superstar]
glows divine; spotlighted Elvis-like
by beams of dirty headlights
illumination at the hand of city cabs
on hooker row
irony blows marijuana memories
from bogarted bibles
reeking of ash and contradiction
but not all believe in the prodigal prophet,
exhaling gritty air, casting shadows on cities
they dwell in darkness-(the devil's stage):
destructive as doubts
pulsing in heartbreak hotels
this is science!
nothing collapses from quakes
of a great god's wrath, but rather,
tectonic plates conforming to mother nature
and the conservation of mass
inevitability
and we live among the throngs
complacent or compliant
choosing sides:
bar-coded palms with a fingertip
grip on reality’s rope.
Tug of war- faith versus fact
like high and low tide: the moon peers,
pulling oceans with crater-eyes of wisdom:
its reflection, scribed in faithful guide
for drug dealers and ministers
to echo the written word,
waving away fluctuating waters-
and we ask
can humanity continue to build
spring-bound skyscrapers
beside belief-beaches,
or will luna surrender,
causing coastal contradictions to drown
in tsunamis of truth?
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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Thoughts
From the beginning towards midway, I was starting to like it but as I read along some more, all the images flooded in which made it all the more enticing to keep reading.. Keep penning -
Elora, I didn't mean to slight you...this truly blew me away to the point of not seeing your name with this...you all did a wonderful collab on this.
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oh..and thanks for the mention, lol.
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lmao it was all in your honor. *bows*
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wow..this leaves me flabbergasted, I would love to hear this spoken/performed..do a video, dude...and send me a link. I'm bookmarking this, I'll be reading this over and over. Your metaphor is outstanding, unique. This sets off sparks...the tone of this borders on fierce (where have I heard that word lately? lol..and yes I agree)
I just read it again...WOW!!, I'll say it louder.
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lol Thanks
Elora Danon was a great collab partner for sure. We just clicked. *high fives Elora*
I don't know how to transfer a video from the camera to the computer & then onto youtube or whatever - but maybe my parents could show me. If I ever do make a video, I will most certainly send the link. lol
Thanks again.
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I have to tell you, I absolutely love the far-edge write of this poem. It spoke to those of my age and those who know and have been the followers of the music implied within the poem. It is maybe a poem that the older generation would really get more than some younger ones. The images need that deeper knowing, perhaps. But, being that age….I totally thought this poem rocked!
I love the premise, as well. I feel it, know it, have wondered it and know how Gaiaesque culture has looked at religion and science and understand that Nature wins.
The language is awesome; the blend of voices is stupendous. I like how you have presented the poets’ understanding, the point and counterpoint is made and a seduction of the reader is slowly wound in.
This pulled together well. I relate to the less said, the more the reader can identify with their own understanding, perhaps, biases, but nonetheless it is evocative.
Only awkward line for me was “beside belief-beaches”
All in all, Bravo!!!
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Thank you
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Thank you very much Carol for your kind words and in depth critique. It is much appreciated.
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I don't much like the use of jesus and god. Maybe it's just a personal thing for me, but I always leave them out of poems. But yeah, as I said - it's just personal.
Other than that, I didn't feel any bluriness in the point and counterpoint. It seemed clear to me - and I have to add in that you both are really brave for using the bible which can prove to be very offensive to anybody [considering that you have both sides]
I also found some excellent phrasing such as:
"complacent or compliant
choosing sides:
bar-coded palms with a fingertip
grip on reality’s rope."
All in all,
amazing work.
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Thanks Chandni
What can I say? We wanted to go in a more fearless approach. lol
Now i'm gonna go comment on your poem.
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This is full of tons of great stuff. So much very intriguing to the mind and its philosophies. An absolutely PERFECT title for any sort of point/counterpoint because of the nature of a riptide, but even better here with your chosen imagery!
Accessability (Understandable to the careful reader)
Gosh, guys, I’m sorry to say it, but I really struggled with this one. I had to read SO slowly to keep things straight in my head. There was a mass of amazing stuff, just a lot all at once to keep up with, I guess.
Emotion or Impact (Upon judges and presumed general audience)
Potential here for some really heated opinions. Again the struggle to follow meaning worked to inhibit my emotional investment.
Poetic devices* (Used beneficially, skillfully)
Lots of wonderful images and descriptions. Some really nice sound mechanics sprinkled throughout. Line breaking was beneficial, as well.
Point/Counterpoint (Both perspectives presented skillfully) An amazing topic you have chosen in Faith vs. Fact. Certain elements were brought out really well. And I have to say, you really put your perspectives together so very well. It was very seemless in the MANNER of delivery. It was like the discussion was being carried on live almost, to my reading.
Cohesiveness (Is there uniform style/structure, logical flow, etc.)
Very uniform! The collaborative effort here was exceptional. Definitely seemed like one voice despite the differing perspectives
Mechanics (Grammar, Spelling, Line Limit)
Well done.
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Thank you Ten.
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You two have combined your voices so effectively that it would be difficult to realize this was a collaboration at all. The subject matter is complex and the wording and imagery so rich that one need not subscribe to the message to feel the power of the dialogue. Good luck in this challenge. Peace, Liz
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Liked it Love, C
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bookmarked.
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