The embrace, the rays like a lovers arms around you.
The rays gently carving your face, into the smile I love.
The grass,swaying as you sing to me.
A midsummers night dream I wish to never end.
The wind,your breath on my cheek.
The gentle touch of a petal, your lips on mine.
The longer days, your never ending laugh.
The fragrant flowers blooming, your whispers in my head.
Shall I compare thee to a summers day?
A contest entry
- Anything and everything by Fitz1901.
750 points, ended July 22, 2008, 59 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Glitter-Covered Masks Hide The Shame... by Silly Rabbit..
300 points, ended October 16, 2008, 25 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Gimme some luv by unavailable.
600 points, ended September 18, 2008, 51 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Wanted: Rockin love poetry! by babydollxgonexwrong.
400 points, ended December 22, 2008, 33 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Guaranteed Comments! III by Nam.
1750 points, ended April 14, 159 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
constructive critizism welcome
Comments
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"The grass,swaying as you sing to me." -- there should be a space between the comma and "swaying".
"A midsummers night dream I wish to never end." -- "midsummers night dream" is actually "midsummers night's dream" or "Midsummers Night's Dream", since you're borrowing the line from elsewhere. Also, you have an extra space between "dream" and "I".
"The wind,your breath on my cheek." -- there should be a space between the comma and "your".
"The longer days, your never ending laugh." -- you have an extra space between "ending" and "laugh".
Though you mainly borrow from other poems, and being such a short poem as this is, it makes it less than your own, I found it mildly okay.
-Nam
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Ah! What a nice take on a line of Shakespeare's! :] I enjoyed the shortness of this. The imagery is great, and I would've liked to see it even stronger. I like poems mixing the themes of nature and love and you have done it well.
My only complaint, which seems to be happening in many pieces, is that they're a tad cliche. Always look for opportunities to make your poem exclusively yours! :]
Thanks for entering my contest! -
I love how you interpreted the most common things related to summer with the love of one for another...
You did a great job on this. It's beautiful.
Thanks for entering and good luck.
[[♥]] -
I really enjoyed this poem, there is something about a good love poem, it gives you such a wonderful feeling.
a great poem
thanks for entering
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