Turmoil and chaos through beckoning eyes
Through conflict of interest and blatant disguise
Thus rhyme and meter subdues the cries
Of bloody tears with misread demise
For typo and rapture and sullen regret
I cross the world and switch the ruse
Of counting the mayhem through envy and sweat
Hunting through verse of deserted misuse
And thus I end you again with reiteration
Of vulgar depilation of rhyme and damnation
Of trust and disloyal and control of the soil
And counting the blunders of faults to be loyal
Thus, if this is true—my canto’s misused.
Author notes
The structure of this (butchered rhyme scheme and meter) is intentional. If you are able to figure out why you will understand the context of this poem. :-)
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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hi there. love your stuff.
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Thank you!
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The flow for me seemed to stutter, or I guess it just did not flow. I felt as though I had to keep stopping and re-reading to see what I had missed. Guess that would be my main concerned with, that though you have rhymed the rhythm is off and it does not seem cohesive.
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this was all intentional but thank you. :-)In other words, the last line is valid if you found the rhyme and meter simply just a flaw. haha You know me and my hidding tactics. Let me know if you get what is going on.
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Third stanza doesn't flow as well as the first two .. I think its the use of "reiteration" and "depilation" that makes the stumble (well me anyway
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The use of "and" throughout makes this seem a little simpler than it really is (perhaps that was your intention?).
Don't really like the final line, leaves too much hanging .. almost line someone had torn the last page from a book, the page that tells you "who did it"
Some clever rhyming contained within the interesting images potrayed and overall, with a few tweaks, this could be a good poem.
Now I'm off to write mine
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Thanks for the great advice as I really do need it since I have deserted my muse for quite some time now. I am afraid she needs some tender loving care. haha The "and"s were intentional but perhaps I can do something else. The use of "reiteration" and "depilation" were meant as a tongue twisting rhyme annoyance so to speak but perhaps I can try something else. The end was supposed to be a message to watch the words very closely, a kind of hint that the rhyming has a method to it's madness. Hummmm I will have to think on some other way of doing that. :-) Thanks a million and good luck with your rhyme, I know it is not your forte but I am very interested to see what you will come out with since you stray from rhyme. :-)
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