Hate Love

I hate thinking about you
missing you
wanting you
I hate remembering
what you did
kissing, caressing, touching
tounge pushed between your teeth
chest sweating, hair damp
shaking slightly looking down
into HER eyes
slowly sliding into HER
I hate how you lied
I hate that I know every little detail
down to the cum on her face
and the seed you left inside of her
the nastly little presant you gave her
lying nicely inside your "genuine smile"
guess you don't know about the nastly little presant
she gave you back
gave you
gave us?
I hate the things I can't think about
the fake love
fake promises
the pushing and shoving
all the water glasses thrown
handsets shattered
cds snapped
windows broken
walls pushed in
door frames cracked
boundries crossed
I hate how I keeping trying
to make it work
to make your story make sense
trying to block out what you did
make it all go away
I hate that eve day I throw up
when my mind wanders to close
to what really happened
thinking about
the tiny bruises
tiny scratches
tiny bumps and scrapes
and owies!
right down to the tiny CRACK
in her tiny precious head
I hate myself for being blind
pretending it was OK
not understanding how love could do this
I hate myself for
the little fingers
clutched around my face
little eyes pleading with me to see!
to recognize YOU
to save her
I hate myself for leaving her
with you
so happy and cute
all smiles and giggles
never understanding
the squeezing
and blood
the meanness
the screaming and crying
shouting and hiding
yelling and nights
spent curled up
with me in the corner
I hate what you did to her
I hate more that I let it happen
I hate being so tied up inside
that I can't even write what I want to say
feeling so crushed
and broken
I can't even lift the pen
I hate how I just kept beleiving
every word
every lie
wanting so badly for you to love me
loving so madly
I beleived anything and everything
I hate that I let you
make me feel
Guilty
while you FUCKED someone else
leaving my baby alone
in dark rooms
to cry for her mommy
I hate that now
I feel UGLY
because of the things you said.
I hate that I can't burn your
words out of my brain,
how you told me
I wasn't pretty
that I didn't try hard enough
I had no future you said
I hate
the slow damper you put on
My
light
my small flickering light
you slowly tried to drown
fueling my own darkness
to flood my brain.
I hate that you used my
secrets against me
every awful thing I told you
you slowly turned against me
leading me down this twisting turning path
where I lost my soul along the way
pushing me toward every danger
but somehow convinceing me
you were my hero
trying to save me from myself
my dark morvid self
who would have been saved
on her own without you
I hate the secret daggers
you planted in my heart
little words and phrases
that will forever work their way
deeper and deeper
little poisonous darts
seeking every pulse of light
hunting me down in my head
killing me in every dream
and waking moment
I hate your power
to snuff smiles
shutting my eyes
shaking my body
ripping my stomache out and up
I'm skinnier now
you would approve
I can't eat or keep things down
because of you
I hate
the controls you put in place
that continue to funtion
while you're gone
my inability to stop thinking
about you
my constant questioning of everything
every sentances out of anyones mouth
you even have control over my blood
calling it out late at night
in thin painful lines
in places you hope I can hide
you brought every demon
back
throwing me around in my head
you whispered every nightmare
back in my ear
while I just whimpered
over and over
I love you
I love you
I love you
I .... love.... you...
you always made sure
with my last breath
I would whisper those words
longing for your next torture
I hate how I let you use me
because I thought
I could save you
fix you
help you
thought I wasn't important
let the old mentality slip back
forgetting the new life
the innocent
the precious
the container of my heart
you messed up in the beginning
thinking I gave you everything
she had more
more of my love
my heart
my soul
and you must have realized
and you broke her.
I hate myself
hate
hate
hate
I hate hope
burying itself in the shadow like
a seed
hibernating through the storm
waiting for the right moment
to break the surface
a tiny sprout
bright green with love and forgiveness
hope came
hope saved me
hope
and a little girl
who didnt let your torture
break her smile
a tiny baby
who forgave me when I couldnt
forgive myself
she loves me
and
in this raging storm
whipping the seas
flooding
burning, slashing and destroying
her tiny little shelter
is all I need
to survive you
and overcome
my
Hate.