I lie here in bed with my eyes wide open
Knowing you're just past the door
I could open it, I could see your face
But how could you ever know?
The door opens a crack, my head turns a tad
Your eyes are like stars in the doorway
My heart skips a beat as you part your lips
And an echo of beauty escapes
You say you can't sleep (like YOU can talk)
And your footsteps soon enter my room
The sound of your breathing intoxicates me
And I almost swoon when you say
"Hey babe, do you want to play a game?"
And all I can do is nod an okay
We hook up a game system; I get ready to lose
You tickle me when I get ahead
My controller winds up across the room
And you've got me pinned beneath your chest
I can't take this anymore, I have to taste you
You just stare down at me in surprise
But as I get ready to say that I'm sorry
Your lips press themselves against mine
You whisper goodnight and sneak back to bed
I'm by my lonesome again in my room
And despite the late hour, I won't sleep tonight
There's no way I can with you near me
Author notes
6. "Cause there's no way that I'll sleep when you're near me." -- "Maybe You Can Owe Me" by Architecture in Helsinki.
A contest entry
- Prompt Contest (A-B) by OhNoChastity.
600 points, ended July 18, 2008, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
-
This poem is adorable! I think you captured the prompt really well, and where you could've taken it negatively (although the original contest is pretty happy) you made a happy, quaint, love poem. I like the descriptions a lot, and it made me smile and felt just like young love. The sneaking around, the playing.
I love the line "and you've got me pinned beneath your chest." I felt this line so much, I imagined it in my head, and probably from my personal experience, I could feel him as well. It made me smile, the physical closeness of a person and the willingness to let someone overpower you
I think my only suggestion would be to possible shorten it or condense some of the lines a bit. Towards the middle it was a tiny bit arduous to read because I was questioning what everything was getting too. The concept is great, and the ending is wonderful, but I think it could be shortened just a bit to give it more of the oomf that I see underneath.
Great job, and thank you for entering. I can't wait to read more poetry.
-Jen
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Hm , mon chérie , se que une merveilleux poème...tranquille...mais pas......très joli.
(hm, my darling, what a delightful poem, calm...but not... ...lovely)
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