my insomnia is singing sad, sad songs inside my head. piano-and-rain songs. and i remember when songs like these made you close your eyes, when poetry wrapped itself in your hair and hummed you to sleep. you see, i remember lots of things, like the time india turned vermilion red inside your eyes, and then suddenly, all of a sudden, you were beautiful. i remember and remember and sometimes, i wish the sky would drown me,
so i can forget who you are.
so i can forget who i am.
the world is quiet and i scream my shame to the empty playground set. stars are slipping down my spine and i think you are watching, five thousand miles away on the other side of the night. i want to ask who, but i'm scared you'll say, "why you, of course," when in truth, i am hiding between the loneliness of eighth notes where you won't find me, because
you don't care enough to look.
once, i gift-wrapped my heart and pressed it to your bedroom windows, breathed on the glass and drew in my faith with broken fingers. you were the cloud which kept the drought writhing inside me and kept me sane. you were the crayons to color me in.
and before the music swallows you, i want you to know that i'm sorry.
i'm sorry
i'm sorry
i'm sorry
and i'm so fucking sorry -- you have your own name and your own smile to mummify and you are tired. and i understand that you, who is strong, should be freed.
hands curled around the chains, my lungs and my legs keep pumping.
in and out
in and out - until i can blame my stinging face on the wind, until i am tall enough to fall. and maybe, just maybe, if i keep swinging high enough and far enough and sad enough, the gravity won't claim me. and maybe, just maybe, i will drift serenely up into the insanely, beautifully cruel moon: where i can't breathe, where i can't sing -
where even god
can't find me.
Author notes
i'm losing a friend
& it hurts, sometimes.
this may be the crazy long psychotic rant you warned against. in that case: I TRIED NOT TO. I REALLY DID TRY NOT TO. & i'm sorry.
A contest entry
- prose ii. by dehydrated.
1750 points, ended June 27, 8 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
critique:
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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i loved loved and loved the ending, i think you did a fine job crafting this one. thanks for taking the time to enter. good luck!
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gut-wrenching.
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do you feel it hitting you like a freight train, because i do too. and i'm not losing esther because i'm not going to see her again, i'm losing her because i can't stay there for her. and that hurts too.
i'm sorry you have to go through this. i'm sorry. i dont know what else i can do though. i'll just be here if you need to talk.
oh, and the poem is amazing, love. your own smile to mummify? i loved it.
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eh, it's another friend i'm talking about.
but thank you so, so much :]
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you
are so awesome
more than awesome.
i never feel comfortable commenting writing like this
because as you said, it's personal. intensely personal. who am i, some person behind a computer, to critique the way you feel? i can't. yes.
but jesus i don't think i've read the work of someone who can make me breathe, really breathe, like this, in a long time
you have some special way
some way of making the sad things beautiful
lala i'm rambling
i just think you should give yourself more credit
really
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