What Are You Like (Survey)

QUESTIONAIRE: PLEASE DESCRIBE YOURSELF




ok... sHOOT




1) What's your favourite Motto

A. Do a day on a dime and find the time to rummage and rhyme

B. Find a moustache in your lactose dreams

C. Let the rubber ducky of life wax your car

D. Go where others have not defecated

E. Ask not what alights upon another’s cinnamon bun

F. Enliven the world, spank a hippopotamus



(2) When you're not writing how do you occupy your time...

A. sticking straws up my nose

B. fashioning old chewing gum into Gumby’s and Pokey's

C. drilling my own teeth

D. conducting psychoanalytical interviews with the hallway wallpaper

E. eating everything in aisle 12 at the local grocery store

F. swimming up the Hudson


(3) While waiting in a long line-up at the bank you...

A. finally deal with this cursed wedgie

B. see how far down my pants pockets I can stick my hands

C. tie my shoes, THEN pull up my falling-down pants

D. put on deodorant

E. gargle, then spit

F. sing “The Barber of Seville”


(4) Who's your bestest buddy and a must have in bed...

A. flea #12

B. my Bedbug Ragtime Kazoo Band

C. my cardboard cutout of… don’t know her name, but Wowzie!

D. Betty, my face-painted water balloon

E. my wind-up music box (broken, just clicks)


(5) Which of these is your favourite Country & Western Song

A. Save a Horse, Ride a Cowgirl

B. Save a Cowboy, Date a Cowgirl

C. I Spit in the Wrong Spittoon, Now My Cowgirl Left Me

D. My Cowgirl Saddle Sores are Lonely

E. If I Had a Cowgirl, I’d Ham Her in the Morning…


(6) The best way for you to eat ice-cream on a cone is...

A. after spreading it just above the cute bank teller’s low-cut sun dress

B. In a hot shower with a cowgirl

C. Drive to Alaska with a cowgirl and eat it on the tundra

D. Buy two, stick them to my cardboard cut-out of… don’t know her name,
then eat them from the tips…

E. while driving backwards down Highway 51


(7) Which of the following is your favourite thing to wear

A. A WWI aviator’s cap

B. kaleidoscope sunglasses

C. 30 year old sneakers

D. air-conditioned skivvies

E. ripped t-shirts

F. mud


(8) What is the most efficient way to rid yourself of a hang nail

A. pliers

B. my piranha tank

C. my wife’s teeth when she sees my cardboard cutout of… don’t know her name, but WowZie!

D. the Craftsman Electric Rotary Saw

E. just cut the darn finger off


(9) When you get an embarrassing itch while grocery shopping, you...

A. do it in front of the store manager

B. stand on the checkout counter and yodel

C. ask a clerk for assistance

D. stand in the middle of a gaggle of gossipy old ladies and grunt

E. stuff my pants with cool cucumbers


(10)  If you notice a booger hanging outta of a friend's nose, you would...

A. say, “What the *#$% is hanging outta your *&^$%#@ nose?

B. say, “You’ve got a dinger danglin’ outta your beak”

C. give him a look like this… :’

D. help him get it out with a pneumatically enhanced toilet plunger

E. squint and bear it for five seconds, then let out a “Bleeeeaaaaahhhh”


(11) Which of the following do you love best

A. sweet-tart milkshakes

B. nutty bananas

C. tutti-frutti underwear

D. aluminum slurpies

E. skuppy gupper chewing gum


(12) What medical procedure did you suggest to your friend Marvin Bottomsworth for his collapsed sphincter

A. a lobotomy

B. testicular reconstruction

C. silicon implants

D. a facelift

E. rectum routing


(13) What's your real name

A. Jazawanna Billybob

B. Motiiffa Rubudibad Schwartz

C. Alizha Nijinski McFly

D. McDonald Milkshake Smith

E. Twillybee Twanklewee

F. Buck Buck bo Buck, Bananafanna fo  _ _ _ _


(14) What's the name of the last book you read...

A. A Happy Day at the Zoo

B. Mr. Bonnano’s Big Top Surprise

C. Swimming Up the Hudson

D. Yankee Doodle Dandy Goes to Atlanta

E. Dick and Jane’s Easy Primer


(15) While using a public restroom, you've just discovered there's no toilet paper in your cubicle, you...

A. toilet paper?

B. use my sleeve

C. smear my initials on the wall and wait ‘till it dries…

D. go out to the paper towel dispenser…

E. swim to France and call out for a lady’s bidet


(16) When you're upset with your spouse you

A. tell her, so I can be reminded of that day 32 years ago when I...

B. get up at 3am and hammer 2x4’s together

C. leave Playboy magazines about

D. remove the batteries from her remote

E. tell her, so I can be reminded of all my faults…


(17) You sometimes get this uncontrollable urge to....

A. waddle like a duck

B. spit lungers out the car window

C. post funny bathroom mirror faces on youtube

D. spread strawberry jam on her… thingies

E. reproduce


(18) If you could incorporate more of something in your life, it would be

A. orange juice

B. milk of magnesia

C. bamboo shoots

D. grilled soy burgers

E. dustballs

F. fly fishing at Taco Bell


(19) What is the one thing you never learned as a child and still don't know to this day

A. how to pronounce ‘L’

B. how to spell ‘ornge’

C. not to run through the rose bushes naked

D. do not pull out the neighbor's newly planted magnolias

E. when you see headlights, run


(20) What do you look for in another person

A. ‘D’ cups

B. panty lines

C. moles

D. nose hair

E. joined eyebrows


(20) Which three words best describe your life

A. utensil, spatial, hertz

B. cliff dwelling, lascivious, rub it

C. Hertzsprung, frottage, hetero-obsessed

D. rime, seasonable, circumcised

E. ichythyo-ickified, hydro-ballasted, meta-sperm-infused


FINAL QUESTION:

(21) If applicable, select one:

A. none of the above describe me
B. all of the above describe me