time turned their white coats gray;
their eyes swooped down on new flesh
like fish bait. fingering opportunity’s clit
with shaky gun trigger pretense.
no more wide mouthed wonders
found in my garden. every plant cell documented
in nazi-like diligence. rocks and weeds
unraveled by yawns.
their fingers scribbled eviction notices
with solder, melting my wired domain.
A contest entry
- graduation by Dienush.
1550 points, ended June 15, 2008, 9 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
all feedback appreciated
Comments
1 - 23 of 23
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I remember this one as well... from somewhere.
Again, a strong ending after a beautifully orchestrated mind fuck.
love it! -
This is a gem chaotic kid as only you can tell it. Mind fucking imagery, especially "fingering opportunity's clit." Knockout from start to finish!
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Great imagery and flow...loved the fingering opportunity’s clit with shaky gun trigger pretense" If that doedsn't paint a picture!!!
Very clever indeed.
Nevadapoet
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hi there! thank you very much for the lovely comment and the add. i appreciate it very much!
-kevin
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brilliant first line. I would suggest taking the 'their' out of your second line, you don't need it. 'fingering opportunity's clit' well that is some metaphor! NICE. A very good poem. Congrats on the Gold. Why aren't you on my favorites yet? Let me go fix that.
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you're so cute
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I know.
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really strong images here. the emotion is palatable and continues beautifully throughout.
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This is a good one.
No comments.
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wow... this really is amazing. I read it 3 or 4 time. I haven't seen a good write like this in a while. I can see why it won gold. Very well done. There's not much for me to say that hasn't already been said except that you did an excellent job.
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Well, first of all, SO well deserving of the gold in that contest. Fabulously unique entry. Congrats.
The lack of capitals bugs me a bit too (as someone else commented) though I see that's your personal preference. I would have preferred that if you wanted to avoid capitals, to just set it out differently with fewer words per line. But that's just me too, I love few words per line.
Getting that out of the way, I love this! It's awesome. For quite a short piece, it's so full of exquisitely worded descriptions.
Your second stanza...
their eyes swooped down on new flesh
like fish bait. fingering opportunity’s clit
with shaky gun trigger pretense
...is an absolute killer! Well done.
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Oh my god, AP sucks! I didn't get the notice about your comment!!!
Thank you very much for the lovely comment! I wanted to try something different with this poem and use longer lines, something I rarely do 
.
Again, I appreciate your well-rounded reviews.
I'm glad you like that stanza haha, it's a fun one.
Hmm, time to go check out more of your work!
.
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Well done
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I don't think I would've even noticed the garden/rock similarities, I'm surprised you did. I really like the "unraveled by yawns" line. Good poem, good length.
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You use semi-colons; periods;
why no upper-case?
I agree with Diana that this is a rich poem when I read it aloud. I find no imagery offensive although adult. And even then, smaller children would possibly not take in what is said.
Overlays of meaning are subtle but not ambivalent. The entire poem is informed by symbol, "kicked out of the cage"; metaphors, eg "fingering opportunity’s clit/
with shaky gun trigger pretense"; and, simile, "nazi-like diligence".
Figurative language develops your theme and tone with admirable poetic intent. Only the lack of upper-case bothers me.
Lyndon of the Winklings. 
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Thank you for the comment. I find capitlized words to be very ugly and distracting. I only use them if there is a special idea I want to stand out in my poetry, and that's very rare.
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I like how tie the closing stanza to the title. Such a good description what it feels like to graduate school and enter a new chapter of life. I especially like the second stanza... reminds me of how when we leave school we become the small fish again... the end of the food chain and so the process of working to the top of the foodchain begins again. Love the word usage and metaphores. Good luck in the contest.
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You know, though this does has your touch, it's somewhat different from the others. I couldn't have told it was yours just by the poem
I like how you have used metaphors and imagery here and made this poem creative - many failed to understand that rule.
I find the title interesting. "kicked out" sounds like a violent act done against someone's will, which would relate to the angsty approach to the theme. On the other hand, "cage" implies confinement, so, like the poem itself, I find the title to be hopeful in the end.
the first line seems a great way to start this. It's time, indeed, that does this to us all. the white turned to gray makes me think of how coats become dirty - something that sort of happens with us growing up, too. I guess you may not have thought of that, but I like the idea anyway Like the slight internal rhyming in the following two stanzas. The juxtaposition of "flesh" and "fish bait" seems to be, beside a pretty alliteration, an allusion to what's going to happen to those fishes (and the vegetarian within me weeps 
) And the next part of that line is quite naughty and quite you - yeah I think I could have recognized you just by that bit, actually. It's very expressive to the theme, but a very extreme phrase too. I also love the garden-documented plant cell thing, sort of reminds me ofg the fish thing in the stanza before. From these first three stanzas I can a sense of loss of innocence... The third made me smile and think of student life, which is quite ironic really
Oh, and I can just see SO much in the fact that you speak about fingering and that and a little later mention fingers.
I find the ending very powerful. It's not happy, but it brings hope. Lots of it. Stylistically I think I've told you what I like about it
I feel this poem has a lot of strength and passion to it. It reads as if you actually took the contest theme to a deeper level, and I'm glad about that. I do feel the lines are kind of long, more wordy than your other stuff. Maybe it has something to do with the line limit? Anyway.
Thank you for entering my contest
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Thank you for the massive comment and your take on the poem. I tried to mix it up a bit and do something different here. Do you think this is wordy in a bad way? I can't tell by your commment. But yea, this poem was going to end up like this with or without your line limit .
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You're welcome.
Yeah, you did manage to do something different, and thanks for that! I didn't realize how cliche one could get complying with my contest theme
Well, one of the things I appreciate about most of your work is brevity... not in that your poems are short, but meaning I like how you use very few words to convey powerful ideas. What I meant is, I don't find much of that in this poem, but it's not overly-wordy-killing-my-brain kind of wordy, no. It's okay from that point of view. It also has the creativity and depth to cover all the words, if you know what I mean. That was just me being picky
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Oh. Oh. Oh. Pick me. Pick me.
I got here first. I rule.
Yes so as I was saying in an IM...I am very glad to see you return that last line to its original layout. It seems to work so much better. God I want to steal your second stanza. Seriously, that kicks ass.
I'm not going to leave a huge comment as I sort of already did through IM's...LOL. Let me get some of that actually and post it here.
This is fine writing. On the verge of prose.
You dig me, flutterbug?
Loving you. Loving this.
;
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