you uttered dead dandelions;
seamlessly, you unified demon notes
surfacing grave-like effigies –
sleeping; grieving glum memories.
Suzanne eagerly yielded
dormant tragedies;
secretly, soundlessly
yearning:
God don’t tear;
reap poisoned dandelions.
summer roved deafened
daises,
so outwardly you unified
darkened days;
Suzanne effortlessly
yanked
dying greeneries;
soured diseases,
she engulfed Dany’s
songs; sighs
singing:
go away, you unwanted dreams
surrounding grey
years;
stars, stuck
killed skies.
she energized
drizzles;
sheltered droughts,
submerging ghost-clouds
singing:
go away, you unwanted dreams.
A contest entry
- Challenge Thirteen Of Thirteen [INVITE ONLY] by Naridill.
5500 points, ended June 19, 3 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 19 of 19
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Powerfully complex. You have now been added by a talentless slug.
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Okay. I've read this, and immediately decided that anyone who writes ANYTHING like this deserves more applause than AP could ever give, and I am subsequently favouriting you.
I can't even tell you my favourite part, because there's so much to it.
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I have to agree with Nicolette in that this was a very complicated job which turned out nicely!
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has an essence of Cohen, Suzanne takes you down, to a place by the river.... sigh
its a little confusing in parts and i don't really get it.. but hey, not all poetry should be got.. it is sometimes too personal..
well done in the contest
Gilly.x
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80
it was a detailed piece and you have used some amazing and powerful metaphors and imagery but i did find it a little difficult to grasp at some points. however it was stil an amazing and inspriing piece well done -
80
Though following along with this piece was rather difficult, the premise was beautiful overall. Nicely done.
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A nice developing story and strong imagery.
Love the story-like feel of this ... imagery is spectacular to me as well. Love the strong imagery of the 1st stanza ...
I adore this, so little needed to be said, but said with huge impact:
"surrounding grey
years;
stars, stuck
killed skies."
For the difficulty of this style, I feel you've done a great job in construction.
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There are quite a few gerunds in lines three and four of stanza one, maybe if it was played with slightly it would aid it just a bit (course I am being picky).
There is an 's' theme here too it seems...
This is really well done, I love your images and the consistent emotion that is woven here. Some of those lines really are killers. Excellent. -
Thank You!!
Your entry in this Challenge: did you notice Suzanne shaping days, years and memories
This piece tugged hard at Spirit and while I was reading which I did several times~ after inhaling Your words, I was drawn in with the words: demon notes~
and God don't tear;
reap poisoned dandelions~
Now when I read verses, images may come that are different then what another may see or visualize~ and for some reason was seeing that novel Flowers in the Attic~ by V.C. Andrews~ and reference to the ceiling I kept getting pulled to see~ as if someone or something is looking from the top down- like monitoring of lab rats; remove the ceiling and see within the *house* whether it be the flesh or stone-structure For some reason I kept getting word: Personal~ as if there is something personal that contributed to this verse for I am shown like a wipe of the shoulder~ as if the dust settled..and wiped away
Hopefully that makes sense
Wonderful weaving of words and alliteration-
Powerful images also message You have brought forth
These lines grabbed and pulled~
surrounding grey
years;
stars, stuck
killed skies.
Unique Voice spoken~
Thank You for sharing Your Talent also Spirit!
Best wishes to You in the Challenge Sweet Soul
**My judging score will be sent to the Host...
Many blessings too
and much love~ Desire~*~
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90
i thought some of it was forced and i didnt really dig the repetition, but overall, this was very good - and i think it's awesome how people could seriously write a poem with these restrictions. heck, i know i couldnt do it even if i tried. lol props to you!
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I am very very impressed with this.
Man this was a tough challange And I am so glad it was you three and not me
heheh
This had a fun but serious flow to it I enjoyed this.
Love the lines.
"sheltered droughts,
submerging ghost-clouds"...
Best of luck to you in the challange
Delila
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I just looked at the contest requirements and wow, what a tough job, but you did it SO very well. I'm impressed - not just with the technical side but also the way you've weaved emotion into this. A great tribute this is too - the voice so very sincere. Well done.
~ Nicolette
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I don't much like repetition too much - but i guess it was alright in this case.
I have to say i envy you for not making this feel forced at all
[♥]
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yeah right. it sounds rather too forced! esha sucks!!!!
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Ok so I'm getting a few impressions here. Let me begin: I feel like this is about a woman who is dreaming and coming in and out of understanding. Maybe about herself or a dream. Second impression: I think that this is about a woman looking upon herself and trying to understand everything all at once and it overwhelms her. Honesty I can't leave constructive critiques here as what would be the fucking point. You have so many moments where you play with words and spacing things and it is all rather abstract. (Obviously for impressions from your readers) But it is beautifully abstract of course.
You've used a lot of cool words though and used them well. So yes don't tell me what this is completely about. Let me take my own away from this. It takes a lot to stump me though. Congratulations!
;
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I am confused. I should check the contest....
Or did I miss something? Mmmm...Unique.
; -
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don't kill or shoot yourself if this doesn't make sense
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Oh my...I will have to reread this a few times. Give me awhile to digest this and then I'll leave a decent comment. I knew there was some method to your madness.
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lol i just reserved... i am posting now
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