Breathe in and
let the air fill your lungs.
Life fills your body,
yet you are not satisfied,
Becasue you can't see the simple things.
I see that you are choking.
Taken more than you could handle
of air and of life.
Slow down and breathe deep.
You run too fast and
your feet struggle to stay
on the pavement below.
It's good that you can float,
but this is reality-let it go.
Hang on now you're turning blue,
the blood disappearing from your head.
Blurs of colours swirl around.
Slow down and breathe deep.
Calmer now, the air goes in and out
There's a normal rhythm now.
Live life to the full and breathe deep.
I don't ever have hiccups, because
I breathe differently than you.
Author notes
Contest-A Moment in Forever
Requirement/rule indigo: My favourite colour is yellow.
Contest-Options I think are unique:
Using prompt 2: I breathe differently than you.
A contest entry
- A Moment in Forever by Nephlim.
600 points, ended June 16, 2008, 22 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Options I think are unique by bird at rose.
1000 points, ended August 26, 2008, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What do you think?
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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Concise comprising
This is real recondite stuff. And, line three and four have a twisted outlook, like 'look at the preciousness you have,' though the person has his focus turned so he can't realize. I love how you put this into perspective of what the results would be if literal. The first stanza is a weighing warning, and the next tries to pale down the overdrawn gas internally.
"your feet struggle to stay on the pavement below" reinforces that if your toes are in a thrust, much surface created to walk on was missed. So true, if you think something is factual without finishing the steps... My favorite line is, "the blood disappearing from your head" as it made me ponder. You made it expressive, instead of just reporting that they're losing their conscience, but that's like the breath of life, to be careful and strive to do things right. So sensible for savoring as an ending: "I don't ever have hiccups, because I breathe differently than you."
Thank you for entering, and letting me sink into what you have to say,
Daisy -
Thank you for following the rules!
I love how you described everything here, and how unique this poem was, though the idea has been used before. To be choking on life
what a thought. I loved the third stanza a whole lot =]. Good luck!
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I liked this, Almost made me feel like i was having an anxiety attack.
The words were taking me away back to some old memories.
And the line "I see that you are choking.
Taken more than you could handle
of air and of life" Really sang out to me.
Very good job.
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I quite liked the imagery you used throughout this - but one thing - is it a lyric? I could almost hear this with music behind it, which is generally a good thing! The final two lines are really effective in creating a contrast between the poetic voice and the addressee. You might want to think more about the imagery in here and maybe incorporate more devices like personification, metaphor etc. Nice write overall though.
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No, it wasn't intended as lyrics. But, like you said, I suppose that's a good thing.
Thank you. I also like those last two lines.
I'll look into that, but I don't want to change it too much. Imagery is something I'm trying to work on.
Thank you.
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This was well written I really liked it alot. It showed a great deal of imagination and the imagrey was wonderful . This is a really good piece. Thank you for sharing.
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Thank you.
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Beautifully written Megy
Love the last bit;
"I don't ever have hiccups, because
I breathe differently than you."
Very nicely put hehe
I think this is probably one of my favourite pieces I've seen from you like... ever
Good luck with your entry!
Claire xx
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Thanks.
LOl. I thought that suited it nicely too.
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