Grown Up.

I tried to find my childhood today.
Climbed to the top of my tiny swingset
full of cobwebs and disrepair.
Then I remembered how I reached for the sky
but never quite came close.

so i tried again.
but i still couldn't reach.

I hopped down from the top bar,
tried to sit in the swing
but my hips were too wide
and my knees were up to my ears.

Then I saw my weather worn sandbox
and thought I'd give it a try.
I ended up with sand in places
I didn't know I had
And a crooked sandcastle that fell
when the wind blew.

I tried climbing to my little
playskool acid-trip tower
but the plastic caved in
and all the colors faded away
it looked like a burnout from the sixties
who never got the memo that the party ended
a long time ago.
like pity.

I tried fitting into my little push around car
I couldn't fit, and the horn didn't work.
The steering wheel had teeth marks
from my teething stage.
or my brother's.

Then I remembered, a place behind our old fence,
where the ivy took over and I would pretend
that I was Tarzan, king of the jungle.
or a lion.
but my  little crawlspace was blocked off,
by new, unsplintered and clean wood.
our new fence.
I forgot.
The grey and green worn fence looked at me
with pity.

you belong on the new side,
it said.

So I went back to my house.
Showered my pain away,
put on my tiny jeans and black eyeliner
I lit my cigarette, gulped a colt 45.

I tried to find my childhood today.
But it didn't want me anymore.