Tight shirt, short skirt
Heels hit the ground
Heads turn, eyes spurn
Men rush her way
All she wants is company (reason for the clothes)
Gonna take what she can get
True love cannot exist,
For the whore in downtown hell
“Hey babe, wanna lift?”
Call men from surrounding cars
“Can you pay?”
She says back. (Needs a living you see)
Black Mercedes, (must be rich)
Stops by her side
Hops in for 100, (good customers always pay)
Pull into an empty parking lot
And she begins her duty
Some hours later he drives her home
To the shack in downtown hell.
Few days later cries her heart out,
The rich Mercedes got her sick (riches aren’t always safe)
Soon she gets weak as the incurable takes its toll
Dies a year later as AIDS claims its next customer
(It needs a living too you see?)
Author notes
contest for OhNoChastity PROMPT:
37. "They call it night and I know it well." -- "The Gulag Orkestar" by Beirut.
In a list
A contest entry
- Free verse is the way to go. by nerd42189.
300 points, ended June 20, 2008, 15 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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an interesting take on the prompt and a good story.
:]
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This was an interesting write, and I definitely like where you took the prompt. The women of the night do know it very well, probably just as well as drug dealers and all the "creatures of darkness". I found it very interesting that you chose to write about this.
I like the line "To the shack in downtown hell." Not only does it emphasize the darkness of this poem. It brings to the mind visions of the devil. Although, I like how the allusion was brought in "downtown". The section of the city where she spends her time, and it makes me, as the reader, look at downtown a bit differently (hell being below kind of creepily corresponds with down). Clever.
I really like how you had the thoughts in parenthesis. It was very creative, and lends the reader more insight into the hooker. It shows her point of view, and her reasoning. However, I do struggled a bit with the ending. It's incredibly quick. I like what happens, though I felt like you were saying "she's getting what she deserves". If that's the case, then this works, but if you're trying to make this poem a bit more emotional I would highly suggest adding details about her struggle with the disease, or leave out the disease completely and discuss her struggle with the lifestyle she's leading.
Another suggestion I have would be to not capitalize each line. It's unneeded and emphasizes what doesn't need to be emphasized. However, this poem was good and an interesting read. Thank you so much for entering and I hope to see more from you.
-Jen -
I thought some parts were stronger than others. I liked the ending though.
Thank you.
Kat -
i love seeing u write like this!
it makes me happy
even though this isnt really a happy poem ...
oh well i love the ppl needing a living thing and AIDS thing
All she wants is company (reason for the clothes)
very deep -
lol i do get that pun
and thanks for the gold =) -
wow that was an amazingly rich (haha u get it) poem i enjoyed every word every line and the whole poem as a whole this is why i love free verse congrats you are an obvious finalist.
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