Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
Read • Contests • Groups • Learn • Forums • Store • Help
 

Along the Trails away from Town Today (Pantoum)

Along the trails away from town today

     I walked until as far as I could see

          the rolling plains rose up in green and gray,

               and all the sounds to hear were made by me.


I walked until as far as I could see

     were gramma grass, mesquite and prickly pear,
          and all the sounds to hear were made by me.
Then standing still, I heard the others there.

Were gramma grass, mesquite and prickly pear
     exchanging whispered threats on rocks and sand?
Then standing still, I heard the others there,
     their rustling seen in ochre, gray and tan.

Exchanging whispered threats on rocks and sand
     they circled in a dance of life and death.
Their rustling seen in ochre, gray and tan,
     I watched the lethal play with bated breath.

They circled in a dance of life and death
     with darting beak and flailing rattler’s head.
I watched the lethal play with bated breath
     until from bloody wounds the snake was dead.

With darting beak and flailing rattler’s head
     the peace but not the quiet was disturbed.
Until from bloody wounds the snake was dead,
     I’d thought the runner was a peaceful bird.

The peace but not the quiet was disturbed.
The rolling plains rose up in green and gray.
I’d thought the runner was a peaceful bird
     along the trails away from town today.

Author notes

Pantoum: a traditional Malaysian form, pantun, of variable length, written in quatrains in which the second and fourth lines of each quatrain become the first and third of the next. The second and fourth lines of the last quatrain are the third and first lines of the first quatrain. Traditionally the rhyme scheme is abab, but it is not considered a requirement in Western poetry.

 

I was born and raised in Amarillo on the high plains of the Texas Panhandle. Not so very long ago you could walk or ride north out of town toward the Canadian River and within a few miles find yourself alone under a great blue bowl of sky with nothing in sight except the rolling prairie of gramma and mesquite. If you moved quietly, you would find you were not quite alone, but sharing the caliche trails with quail, doves, ground squirrels, coyotes, deer, jackrabbits, horny toads, rattlesnakes and roadrunners.
For those who do not know, the roadrunner is actually a bird of prey which ranges throughout the American Southwest from California to Missouri. It is not entirely flightless, but it does not fly well and so prefers running. Opportunistic and extremely quick, it eats just about anything it can catch and kill from insects and scorpions to rodents, lizards, birds and snakes, including rattlesnakes. It is not the gentle, happy-go-lucky creature depicted in the popular animated cartoon.

In a list

A contest entry

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 11 of 11
  • Topnotchsy
    November 1

    Edit | Reply
    Stunning piece. I had never seen this form before, but this write has me tempted to give the form a shot. This deserves to be seen and read far more than it has. (I'm going to see if I can get it Spotlighted on the Front Page (as it so deserves.)


    • Peripatetic gold member
      November 1

      Edit | Reply
      Thanks for the support, but I am embarrassed that this poem just won a gold. I have already apologized to rinzurajan, but it should not have even been entered in the contest. (It had won a silver in her previous contest, but that slipped by both of us until the more recent contest was closed and judged.) I returned the points, but I do not know how to make it up to the other finalists who by all rights should be moved up in the list.

      There are several poets on site who are known for their aptitude and versatility with form poetry, and I have seen several Pantoums in their work. All form poetry is contrived, of course, and that which requires repetition of lines is especially so. The trick is to make it seem as though the theme or narrative develops naturally. Just about every Pantoum I have seen at All Poetry has been pretty good, but they were all written by very accomplished poets. Since many of the folks I consider accomplished on site reference you as a peer, I suspect you will present us all with something worthy of your time and ours should you "give the form a shot!"

      • Topnotchsy
        November 1
        Edit | Reply
        I'm honored by the compliment, and would be thrilled if the poem comes close to touching this one. Unfortunately I've had little time to sit and really write recently (if I can pen a poem a month I'm doing well) but I do hope to try, and would look to this poem as example.

        Thanks!!


  • rinzurajan
    November 1

    Edit | Reply
    thats done amazingly with rich imagery...

    good luck

  • ecrivain01
    July 19

    Edit | Reply

    Very nice ...

    but you have a typo there: "baited breath" -- should be "bated breath". Other than that, this is very nicely done.

    Congratulations on your trophies. I'm rather surprised the contest givers didn't notice the typo though.

    Anyway, you've done quite well with this, and that's the important thing.

    • ecrivain01
      July 19
      Edit | Reply

      Actually, it's harder ...

      to proofread your own poems than those of other people. You become so familiar with your own writing that you really often don't "see" the errors. I think it's always good to have someone else read your stuff just for that reason (assuming they know what they are doing, of course.)

    • Peripatetic gold member
      July 19
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks, Jim! Good eye!
      I've had this poem for a couple of years, and the superfluous 'i' has been out there all this time. Neither I nor any of dozens of folks who have read this poem caught it until now! MS Word's spelling and grammar check can be fooled by some things, and apparently my own proofreading is not entirely foolproof!

  • rinzurajan
    May 16
    Edit | Reply
    excellent....thanks for teaching me something Malaysian...i am amazed by the imagery...and the way you used the form...



    good luck


  • DesolatELifE
    May 15
    Edit | Reply
    Sublime. I large comment full of thoughts would not be more truthful than that.


  • storiesuntold gold member
    June 10, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Excellent write here

    I too was raised in Texas and have lived here most all my life .I have seen the roadrunner and once even where one danced with a rattler and won it was a beautiful sight. Thankyou for entering and I wish you would join our Texan Writers group we would sure love to have you

    • Peripatetic gold member
      June 10, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks for the contest. I look forward to reading all of the entries. As to your comment, one fellow I know referred to watching a roadrunner stomp a rattler. Of course, that does pretty much describe the way I dance!
      I am new to this site, and still feeling my way around all the opportunities for interacting with the writers here. The Texan Writers group looks intriguing.

1 - 11 of 11