Nine times have I forgotten to breathe,
my heart frozen within my chest
as I try to still the fear,
that seeps through my defenses.
Two times have I died inside,
everything having failed me
my last resort spent,
now only oblivion awaits.
Five times over am I defiled,
my spirit destroyed and in pieces
yet still I struggle as hard as I can,
to stay afloat in this sea of darkness.
Sixteen times a day must I prompt my heart,
and remind it to work in harmony with my mind
Ninety shallow breaths a minute,
surely I can manage....to breathe deeper than this.
Author notes
Hope it's suitable.
This is actually a very personal poem and in some ways reveals a lot more about the real me that I keep hidden than I would like. Each of the three original numbers and what they each relate to in the poem are linked and each one means something very real.
A contest entry
- Inspring Words of Kiwigirljacks by abyssal.
702 points, ended June 10, 5 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - I have 50 Gold Shines before my birthday : Prewrite Quickie Contest by Hekate.
1300 points, ended June 28, 13 entries
Honorable winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 37 of 37
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This is a really cool idea for a poem, what you did wiht numbers, and I think that puts it quite a cut above most of the "angst poetry" I have read. I especially love the ending:
Ninety shallow breaths a minute,
surely I can manage....to breathe deeper than this.
That's just a touch of genious. Really really powerful, and such a great way you worded it.
Congratulations on the trophies, they were well-deserved. Thanks for entering and sharing this poem with me.
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awwww this was really good. thanks for the great read.
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Wow, I liked this a lot because it was very different...
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How cruel to leave me wondering what they represent. Sorry, just kidding. I loved the poem of kiwigirljacks the the final poem came from and love this one too. I think it might be kind to credit her with that line but just my opinion. I really enjoyed the flow of this poem and how the desperation grew as you read along. The imagery is just amazing. Wonderful poem and well deserving of the gold!
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wonderful poem full of raw emotions on the reality of life the secret of a long life is to keep breathing you poem is full of deep thoughts toucing the readers sences I realy enjoyed the following lines
Five times over am I defiled,my spirit destroyed and in pieces yet still I struggle as hard as I can,
to stay afloat in this sea of darkness.Sixteen times a day must I prompt my heart,and remind it to work in harmony with my mind Ninety shallow breaths a minute,
surely I can manage....to breathe deeper than this.
as in life we can all struggle at some time through love loss ect but we as writers have a unique abilty to break free with our words the past does not eqaul the future it makes us who we are congratulations on you well deserved shiny good luck in the contest
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wooh!!
i lOVE this!!
so worthy of gold!
and best of luck in the contest!!
the last line was ...just...bam! lol..it hit me hard!
~Sailor Ptolema
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Congratulations on winning the contest! The poem is really deep and emotional [at least it seemed for me]!
. Rewarded 4
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Congratulations on the trophy, it was well deserved. The authors note intrigued me as well. Back to the poem itself my favourite lines would have to be the ending two. They bring the write to an end magically. Brilliant, truly.
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I enjoyed the last line. Pretty good piece. It was a bit wordy in spots but deserving of the trophy. I like the title. Fits well with the piece.
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WOW. This is definately the best you've written, I think. I love it. Honestly. I think I'm gonna put a link to it on my page later on. Hannah, this is great. Seriously amazing. SO emotive, so real, and I think in a way there are a lot of us who can relate to it.
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this poem is infused with emotions that have universal appeal and yet enhanced with numbers that have a personal significance. an air of mystery. leaves me wondering about the specifics...
interesting read. - NANGALEEMA
. Rewarded 4
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this is a great write hon.. alot of emotions here.. and i feel this almost everyday. great write ! keep on penning!!
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Oh, my gosh! I love it! I love how you incorporated the numbers, especially how I had to think given the third stanza. You truly deserved that gold trophy!
. Rewarded 4
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That gold trophy is well deserved. Well done.
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This one is pretty good. The idea of basing a poem on the numerology of the time on a digital clock is innovative. One or two things kick my shins, though, such as "deeper" which I feel ought to be "more deeply". Overall, I applaud.
. Rewarded 4
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Good, well contructed poem.
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This is an AWESOME write. I LOVE how you wrote every stanza "# times a day". And your last line was just... supurb. (or however you spell it.
)
my applauses are being idiotic at the moment, but I shall give you 3 clappies when they're all better-er.
~Cassie
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Very interesting concepts you used to describe your feelings and the final line was superb.
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Whoa.... like..... blown away. No great wonder you won is all I can say. Like... whoa. The final line 'surely I can manage....to breathe deeper than this' - I love it, I love it. It's... yeah you can tell I'm not a great word using person here so I'll just stop now.
*oggle* Alara *oggle*
. Rewarded 6
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Just reading over the comments you're getting sweetheart!! I'm so proud of you for this write and you deserve all the lovely comments you are getting!!
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very interesting how you portray yourself in a poem and beautifully written. clever use of the numbers. even though from one person, it speaks for most around the world who go through such emotion. easy to relate to. thank you for sharing.
. Rewarded 4
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interesting poem. I like how you used the different numbers and then added them up. Its also cool how you added personal experiences with it. Good write.
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THis is a cleverly written feast for the soul poem!
well done poet, you really made us stop to chew upon each
line and verse.
and by the way...you authentic voice is really coming out, and believe me..it's an inspiring beauty!
I hope you find the courage to reveal that beautiful
innervoice screaming to come out!
ears/Seattle 10:29 life starts...gloriously!
. Rewarded 6
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9+2+5=16 9X2=18 18X5=90
Though clearly a very personal write, it speaks of universal pain and anxiety which I'm sure many people can relate to. I especially liked the last stanza "...and remind it to work in harmony with my mind"--I can really relate to that. Excellent!
. Rewarded 6
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Very intenst and powrful. I really like the way this reads and fels. It brings the reader into the intesity of the emotions well. Great imagry and use of wording.
Outstanding
. Rewarded 4
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FANTASTIC WRITING
the imagery in this is superb and you keep the reader's attention throughout. you penned masterfully. i am looking forward to reading more from you in the very near future. congratulations on the gold trophy you have won in this congtest. well deserved. viyanna rosemarie
. Rewarded 6
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Oh wow. I dont know what to say this. I read this and I very nearly cried. It reminded me of some things that I have been through in my life. And its just wow...Then I read the author's note and I do cry...Thanks for writting a beautiful piece. I enjoyed reading it. Keep it up love.
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I love this... The Authors notes left me longing to know more. I love the way the last line was inspired by a friend of mine too. The flow was great! and imagery wonderful!
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Intense write poet. Very impressive and I'm not easily impressed. You can say it left an impression. LOL Anyway, like it lots. Write on.
Dez
. Rewarded 4
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This is a VERY interesting write...I can truly say I've never seen anything like this before. I suppose I've gotten cynical a bit, but when I click on a featured poem, I'm not expecting to enjoy it, or even like it a tiny bit. This particular one, though intrigued me with just the title - it being so delightfully cryptic - and then just kept interesting me as I read it. It is obviously very personal, and yet it still allows you to keep your secrets. We know you struggle, we can experience that with you...it is only the WHY of it that remains hidden. VERY well done.
. Rewarded 8
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I actually liked it! not many pieces are as good as this one, and it was a treat to read! there was an overall air of emotion that was intensely awesome, and the way it was written was an awesome thing to! kudos!
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This is amazing... I think I love this out of all your poems that I've read!!
Well done on the gold my darling little sister
Certainly deserved
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Suitable indeed, I would say it has surpassed suitable. I very much like the format and the number arrangements. Quite impressive. Thank-you for taking the time to enter.
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Hannah my beautiful niece...this is quite a deep write...I do love your own take on Jack's poem
I did feel your own pains within this come from it so strongly..you could say I definitely breathed a lot slower reading this...just so drawn in by your words.
Still I can not believe your only 14 this is so mature for a 14 year old, thank you for sharing it with us all..I do hope you do well in the contest, as this is a winner in my eyes
Cin
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To be honest I think I did actually read Aunt Jackie's poem at some point but this really isn't based off it, purely off the prompt.
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This is fantastic!! What a read this one is! I had to find I had to remind myself to breathe as I was reading this one! Great job!!
Ek is lief vir jou altyd
Mom
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This is really stunning!!! I held my own breath reading it... I can so relate to all the emotions in this... and how it feels like innumerable times that we face these things...
The last stanza blew me away!! I have to prompt my heart to do that... and breathe so shallow at times..
It is very suitable and simply wonderful!!
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