i am an extension of california;
blue bought & oceanic veins of coiled youth.
i couldn't be more like
that wide-eyed scar we call a highway.
grass & foreign fungus
smelled the tar pits of asphalt
and the vibration of
pummeling tires.
the voodoo flowers patchwork
themselves along the darkness of the
way;
& the ripe smell
of soft dead things
still linger on the tongue.
you were an invitation
to vacate the grounds
i came to love in a
fashion of sexual
fury.
i didn't want to cross
myself with your
depressing beauty.
someone help me fold back
into my own;
my own element of disregard.
where around my neck
hummingbird bones
bind themselves
with the white sickness of moon flesh.
i am comforted with the fact
that i've made myself
a piece that didn't
reveal itself to you
until i had already
stepped off that ferris
wheel.
Author notes
my heart is hurting when i share.
[eck the ending .. i can't stand it.]
A contest entry
- summer is for the sky by grass.
533 points, ended July 7, 2008, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
im motivated by the lack of doubt.
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
-
I don't mind the ending at all. This has some lovely phrases in it.
"coiled youth"
"voodoo flowers patchwork"
Talk about some fantastic images.
-
Just some minor spelling errors
that I’ll mention first:
“extention” is “extension” and
“forigen” is “foreign”.
Now with that out of the way I can get to a few other
things that bothered me. Then onwards to the good stuff.
“wondering where their air went”
- I found this line to be awkward. If you say it out loud It just truly fumbles underneath its own weight. Maybe it’s the way it becomes sort of sing-songy?
“that i've made myself
a peace that didn't
reveal itself”
- Do you mean “piece” instead of “peace”? You might have meant it as is, but it is strange that you mention revealing yourself afterward, which would give me the idea of piece instead. "Isnt* also is "isn’t", at the end. But I really find the ending part weak, so I read it like it ended on the ferris wheel stanza on my second read instead. Just carries a more solid ending for me.
The good:
God that hummingbird stanza is incredible. The whole
moon flesh image and the bones. Very unique imagery you have there. Also your first stanza is powerful, for the most part. This semi reminds me of the poet “blue sun” on here.
You have a very unique voice and I can’t wait to get lost in your poems again, after I get up. Very good metaphors as well. Your strength is in your movement and your word transitions.
Quite moving stuff, all in all.
;
-
-
thank you for the crit. i needed it.
i really hate the spellcheck on here by the way lol
anyway, i did take your suggestions into consideration and i changed it up a bit; there's still a problem with the end part of the first stanza but eh im too lazy to revise it now but thank you again for pointing things out
-
-
I took your poem into microsoft works word processor, so that's how I caught them. But yes the one on here use to be a lot better and now it's just crap. Not sure why he decided to fix something that wasn't broken...LOL. It reads beautifully now without that last strange stanza...Ending on the ferris wheel is just truly haunting. Let me recheck that first stanza again...Mmmmm...I don't think there is anything wrong with the end of the first stanza now. The winded line is gone and now it reads rather full and reflective. Maybe being lazy is for the best. 
I say that to myself, all the time.
And you're welcome. Glad I could help.
I'll read another one from you later on today, after I run some errands and whatnot.
;
-
-
-
god damn bby.
you just...never cease to amaze me. you hands down one of the most brilliant poets i have ever come across. and i'm so proud to have you in my life. one day when you're famous, i'm gonna be there to say "i was this girl's lily pie bride back in day."
hehehe.
ily.
-
holy fuck baby. help me bring back whatever i had that was ever remotely close to this good
-
"someone help me fold back
into my own;
my own element of disregard.
where around my neck
hummingbird bones
bind themselves
with the white sickness of moon flesh."
good god damn
Adding your comment:
1 - 7 of 7
