stumbling over words just out of reach
finding lockets over lips of mahogany
rusted brass fastened tight
a book of psalms from a girl interrupted
too many delusions to make daybreak
kept in the night by little daydreams
the chemical eats at the brain
slowly all function is lost
the body slows to a crawl
on hands and knees it moves
hard wood floors and soft carpets
litter the path ahead for miles
with no feasible way to stay on the carpet
a kiss to the shoes of the man by the table
he looks beautiful tonight
a thick haze falls slowly over the room
smoke and liquor fill the air
oxygen depletes to automatic life
no one's sick as of just yet
the taste of grain coats the tongue
and sticks to the roof of the mouth
and pulls paste from the teeth
knocked back she feasted
no difference seemed to come
a misrepresentation of words came
a rhyme for the time she chimed
reach for the ones loved dearly
reach for the ones lost
a quick sneak peak slide show
slide after slide after slide
to crawl in a warm bed with blankets
a bed with pillows soft as him
sleep she well in dreams of love
drunk in dreams of love
just drowned dreams
Author notes
Written December 29th, 2003
In a list
A contest entry
- dear. we must eat the liver. sweet as june. we must. dear. by jaunty pill.
300 points, ended June 20, 2006, 52 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
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I assume this is partially inspired by the antics of the other night (you're a rich bitch eh?). I like the tone of it, I've always thought drunkeness and love were comparable...and furthermore I enjoy when the two are put together, so of course I enjoyed this, and that It's well written did help too...
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Best part about this poem: the movements displayed. I loved picturing the girl moving through the poem, like a journey. I pictured rich colors and really dramatic settings. Sometimes I wish my mind (or better yet, the poet's mind) could create a video illustrating the poem so that I could watch it play back.
Only criticisms: (I think people neglect to offer constructive criticism, even when it is requested) In the fourth line, you use the phrase "girl interrupted". Of course, this is only a suggestion, but perhaps you should revise that line, as I believe there is a movie by that title. Unless you intended to make reference to that movie, which is entirely possible, I suppose, I personally don't think making mention of it is good for a poem. You introduce the reader's impressions from that movie if they indeed saw it, to kind of put a stigma around the poem. In the tenth line, "if" was supposed to be "is", I believe? And lastly, I think as you go along, you diminish the amount of imagery you use. The opening was gloriously visual, but towards the end you seem not to have as much. In one way, that could be you just "setting the stage" for the rest of the poem, but to me, imagery is more than just painting a background, or fluff that fills space. I love seeing as much as possible in a work.
To to end with some good words: In entirety, this was such a vibrant, luscious poem. You created a sense of time passing by showing the girl moving through the poem. I also loved the idea of the slide show at the end. You really displayed the fuzziness of intoxication well. -
Sounds like somebody is waxing philosophical about real life. Did you mean, "it" rather than "if" (on hands and knees if moves)? This poem reminds me a little bit of someone clawing their way to the bottom. But at least their teeth will be free of paste. The arrival of contrastive thought/experience in any situation is always the catalyst for change (for me, at least). This poem leaves me with a wondering sort of feeling. But perhaps that's your point. Hope the answers come sooner than later (sometimes later is the best way to permanency...sp?). ET
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hey...does this poem have anything to do with last night? and if it does, fill me in on the details
i loved the whole concept of the slide show and "drowned dreams." i read this poem over twice, though, and saw it in a completely different way the second time. you'll probably have to interpret it for me. the mood was set perfectly through the flow- hazy and somewhat disconnected.
Edited on Dec 29, 7:06 p.m. because ''.
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